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you say it isn't right
Feb. 24th, 2006 07:32 pmSometimes you just go through these moods. They pass like thunderstorms here.
I had a bit of validation this morning, and it made me feel less like I'm crazy. I knew it, I just knew, but I had no way to prove that Alan was screwing around behind my back even before his spectacular overdose. Something came up today to show me the truth of all of it, and I just had to laugh. He would tell me I was the crazy one, and he lied to my face. Oh these things. It still stings some, but I'm over it. Those wounds are as deep as they will ever be, and I won't go back.
Sometimes I feel sorry for Alan's new girlfriend. He acted like it was something to hide, and I remember that fierce denial a couple months ago that "there is no new girlfriend." You've got to know it's a bad scene when your lover wants to pretend you don't exist. Huge giant fucking red flag that means you should run. Why even pretend? It was so goddamned obvious. Even if it wasn't all over the fucking internet, the other people in the office could certainly tell me about it. Whatever.
Why even write about this? Well. I've tried hard not to be petty about all of it. But there's nothing to hide, anymore. I'm done keeping his secrets and lies. Last week I ran into a former coworker, who asked what was going on with Alan and me. I just told the truth. Nothing is more terrible than the truth, I suppose.
It hurts, to know. There have been times when I thought, surely it would hurt less if he had died. It would be less awful than seeing this stranger wearing his face. The man who swore to my rock in the worst of times was sitting at his desk screaming at me and calling me a cunt. I can't help but think about the times he talked about his "psycho" ex-girlfriend. She was probably like me, and had to run like hell from all the lies and twisted words.
I had a bit of validation this morning, and it made me feel less like I'm crazy. I knew it, I just knew, but I had no way to prove that Alan was screwing around behind my back even before his spectacular overdose. Something came up today to show me the truth of all of it, and I just had to laugh. He would tell me I was the crazy one, and he lied to my face. Oh these things. It still stings some, but I'm over it. Those wounds are as deep as they will ever be, and I won't go back.
Sometimes I feel sorry for Alan's new girlfriend. He acted like it was something to hide, and I remember that fierce denial a couple months ago that "there is no new girlfriend." You've got to know it's a bad scene when your lover wants to pretend you don't exist. Huge giant fucking red flag that means you should run. Why even pretend? It was so goddamned obvious. Even if it wasn't all over the fucking internet, the other people in the office could certainly tell me about it. Whatever.
Why even write about this? Well. I've tried hard not to be petty about all of it. But there's nothing to hide, anymore. I'm done keeping his secrets and lies. Last week I ran into a former coworker, who asked what was going on with Alan and me. I just told the truth. Nothing is more terrible than the truth, I suppose.
It hurts, to know. There have been times when I thought, surely it would hurt less if he had died. It would be less awful than seeing this stranger wearing his face. The man who swore to my rock in the worst of times was sitting at his desk screaming at me and calling me a cunt. I can't help but think about the times he talked about his "psycho" ex-girlfriend. She was probably like me, and had to run like hell from all the lies and twisted words.