I hold on

Today's a reason for living
today's the blood from a stone
today's a light from a candle
helping us to find our way home

I drove today under these clouded skies washed like chalk and charcoal over paper. Sometimes, when I'm driving alone in my car, I can feel how painfully beautiful it is to still be here. I wonder about all the times I wanted to die, and all the times I survived and if it was just to see these skies in all their glory. Sometimes I think I won't ever live anywhere else only because these skies are essential to me.

Today we carry each other
today the past is a freak
today's a time for forgiveness
you were never that good to me

It's true that things only happen when you're not looking. At least in my world it remains a constant, that only when I've given up that things seem to come together. Recently I've remembered what it is like to be okay, to even have fun. I'm starting to honestly feel like all the scar tissue in me isn't so painful. I've been trying to say it doesn't hurt to everyone for the better part of this year, and that's been a lie. It has hurt, more than anything. But it's starting to fade, and I begin to think I really might make a recovery from the memory of losing Alan and the life I thought I would have.

I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
drowning I've been blind
but I've opened up my eyes
sorry I can't lie
so I just say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

So much of what I've carried, I've never said goodbye to it. All these hurts, the physical ones and the emotional ones, the legacy of a life too long and too short to be so complicated. I have wasted a lot of time. I have. It saddens me to think about it. Being so fearful that something was badly wrong with my body made me think about it in ways I haven't ever done. It's time I started just doing the things I want to do, and need to do, because there's never going to be enough time to waste. The icon on this entry was a picture I took when I was twenty years old, before I got my first tattoo, and it makes me feel so much older now.

Today's tasting the honey
today's the strike of a match
and today's the lines in the pavement
helping us to find our way back
today's the crosses we carry
today's the strength that we need
and today's the hand of an angel
you were not the kind to believe

There are things I regret, and regret terribly. There are so many things I wish I could get back to, through the years. If I have learned anything at all ever, it is that you can't do it for someone else. You can't save people from themselves, and you can't just fix people. I tried with Alan. I've tried with a lot of things in my life. I've spent months and years believing that if I could will it, and work at it, then the people around me would become what I wanted them to be and what I needed them to be.

Oh what a day, oh what a day
oh my God
today we carry each other
today we do what we should
today's a time for forgiving
today I wish I could

Forgiveness is something I struggle with. I'm not good at it. I can carry a grudge, a wound or anger for ages. I have to learn to be better. Part of getting past the dull ache is making some peace with the things and people that caused it. I can't say I have forgiven many of them, but I'm trying. I'm trying.

I believe in the oracle of the stereo in my car. I think of it as more reliable than a magic eight ball and not as involved as any sort of actual ritual, and deeply peculiar to those of us who have to drive ourselves everywhere. The stereo played "Sorry" from Our Lady Peace, "Just like Heaven" from the Cure and "Rain King" by Counting Crows, and I take it as a sign from the world beyond my fingertips. Things are changing, ever so slowly. I can feel it, just out of sight.