I don't even know how to begin, or what to do

My maternal grandmother has been quite ill for some time. She suffers from heart disease and diabetes, and her illnesses cause her a lot of pain. She is 72 years old. Within the past few days, she started making statements about taking all of her pills and ending things. It became disturbing enough to my grandfather, my aunt and my cousin that last night they took her to the emergency room. She is currently sedated and they want to attempt some spinal block procedure later today. At the hospital, my Alabama-born, Southern Baptist grandmother has been cursing at the doctors and calling them quacks. My mother says that they do not have any plans to discharge her from the hospital at this time.

I am supposed to get on a plane tomorrow to go to South Carolina and not come back until Sunday. If something happens in that period of time, I will probably never forgive myself. I don't even know how I will manage to be charming and personable to my new extended family when I am full of terror and thinking about how I should be in Magnolia to help my family keep things runnings, try to get my grandfather to rest and keep things together.

I just don't know. I can certainly understand my grandmother's pain, and how damned hard things are for her. I know the situation makes her angry and frustrated and frightened. My mother thinks that the post-Christmas let down is especially hard, because she had planned this one for the past couple years and looked forward to it. Not to mention how hard the current situation is on the rest of the family in the house.

As a person who attempted suicide, there is no way for me to be judgmental about this. Heaven knows I can understand. That understanding makes me more scared for her, because I know how far gone we can be. How everything else melts away and it feels as if you are falling upwards into the sky.