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this is the only time
Apr. 10th, 2008 12:11 pmI slept uncommonly late today, which is unfortunate. I'm trying to make up for it by getting all the laundry done and vacuuming. Misha did such a job rearranging things last night and cleaning up in the kitchen I am put to shame. My housewifely skills must improve. I guess I should move some talent points to that, hahah.
I know I am not the only person who has divorced and retained contact with their previous in-laws. (Some of my friends maintain such connections.) It seems less uncommon nowadays than it once was. My former husband's parents are such gracious, generous and loving people I would find it hard to write them off completely. They showed me nothing but love and understanding even as I divorced their son. In the course of talking to them, I am haunted by a specter of guilt that I couldn't save Alan from himself. But who else understands this better than us?
This comes up because recently my former husband has been in jail here. He's been arrested more than once in the past several months, and I know this entire situation is a terrible burden for his parents. The more recent situation is rather serious and unpleasant. I was relieved at least to find out that the girl he moved onto when I left seems to be leaving. Everything I've heard about her situation has been grim. Gods above, it's hard to think kindly of a woman who takes your place and even so I can feel some sympathy. I did something I may regret later, but I felt was necessary - I sent her a message saying I understood what a painful choice it was to leave and that I was glad she was getting out of the situation. Because after all, I know how much it hurt to leave him and how badly a part of me wanted him back. Those night sleeping on Sarah's sofa, how I would sob until I didn't have any breath left to speak and I missed even the horrible parts of my life so much.
I don't expect to write very publicly about this from here on out. But it is something that has weighed heavily on my mind. I no longer wish for my old life back. I've done my mourning for the life I thought Alan and I would have. There will always be a part of my heart that loves him. I hope that he will find some help. But I know that there is no going back.
I know I am not the only person who has divorced and retained contact with their previous in-laws. (Some of my friends maintain such connections.) It seems less uncommon nowadays than it once was. My former husband's parents are such gracious, generous and loving people I would find it hard to write them off completely. They showed me nothing but love and understanding even as I divorced their son. In the course of talking to them, I am haunted by a specter of guilt that I couldn't save Alan from himself. But who else understands this better than us?
This comes up because recently my former husband has been in jail here. He's been arrested more than once in the past several months, and I know this entire situation is a terrible burden for his parents. The more recent situation is rather serious and unpleasant. I was relieved at least to find out that the girl he moved onto when I left seems to be leaving. Everything I've heard about her situation has been grim. Gods above, it's hard to think kindly of a woman who takes your place and even so I can feel some sympathy. I did something I may regret later, but I felt was necessary - I sent her a message saying I understood what a painful choice it was to leave and that I was glad she was getting out of the situation. Because after all, I know how much it hurt to leave him and how badly a part of me wanted him back. Those night sleeping on Sarah's sofa, how I would sob until I didn't have any breath left to speak and I missed even the horrible parts of my life so much.
I don't expect to write very publicly about this from here on out. But it is something that has weighed heavily on my mind. I no longer wish for my old life back. I've done my mourning for the life I thought Alan and I would have. There will always be a part of my heart that loves him. I hope that he will find some help. But I know that there is no going back.