the dark side of shiny...

I came across these while working, and I feel compared to share the terrifyingly expensive rings. Now, I love shiny things and big ridiculous jewelry. But there's something just not right about the green garnet, pink sapphire & diamond double panther head ring. I don't think I could bring myself to spend $3000 on a diamond hippo head ring. (Though I think the crocodile and frog ones are a bit more successful and not so scary.)

everything at random

I feel like I should apologize for being so reticent lately. Every time I think about making an entry, my stomach knots up. My aunt and my cousin read my livejournal, so I'm restricted these days in what is totally public due to the situation.

Some days, I understand why people drop charges even in rape and family violence cases. I never used to understand how people could say "I just want it over, I don't care anymore." The grinding pain in my throat the past month has changed my outlook, the constant dread whenever I check my yahoo mail in case my mother has written, the dread of my phone ringing or the beep of voice mail. Even drugged up medicated sleep is no respite - I'm having horrible, horrible dreams. Apocalyptic drenched in blood and death and fear dreams. Some of them are painfully obvious - like the one where my aunt was angry with me because my sister contracted AIDS while in jail. Real smooth there subconscious.

My sister's arraignment won't happen until the 9th next month and even then, there won't be any respite. Even when she eventually gets probation or jail or whatever the fuck happens - there won't be any respite. I wish my mother's side of the family would just formally disown me and get it over with now. I'm so tired already. My mother accused me of wanting the situation to be dramatic. Ah, sweet gods above. If only.

I'm almost done with my stack of Kiernan books. ladyjaida's novel arrived today. It's beautiful. I read the first five pages and then made myself put it down. I want to savour it with a good snack and some limeade.

Spore is fun. You can see my creations as sadpear on the Sporepedia. We just got the full creature creator, so I'm looking forward to making some new things. I think my favorite creation is my Leedwe.

I stayed up watching Order of the Phoenix alone. The scene where Hermione leads Umbridge into the forest and to the mercy of angry centaurs made me start thinking. Melynda has always been bothered by that scene, by the callous and somewhat bloodthirsty nature of Hermione's actions. She felt it was very out of character for her. I disagree really. A person who abides by the rules and expects that authority will logically and consistently follow the rules/law can be deeply thrown when the figures of authority they are taught to trust and go to fail. Hermione was horrified by Umbridge's bloody quill and her torturous punishment. Faced with Umbridge's madness and increasingly arbitrary application of the rules, I think it was only a matter of time until Hermione hit a breaking point. Taking Umbridge to the Forbidden Forest was an act of anger and desperation. I imagine later in Hermione's life it would trouble her for the same reasons it troubles Melynda now. But I don't think it was out of character. Speaking from my own experience with the absolute failure of school teachers and administrators to protect me, it is exactly what I would have done.

Koshka update

Koshka is out from under the anesthesia and in recovery now. They had to pull two of his canine teeth, due to breaking/fractures. There's some evidence the other canines might be fracturing too. They also found some large lumps in his gums, which they took samples of to check for tumors. They are sending him home with kitty pain meds tonight.

Since he's been sick/hurting, we had to switch food without the usual careful adjustment period. I assumed some of the diarrhea was from that, and some of it was from angry "I'm going to shit on the stairs because I feel crappy and I'm upset with you" cat feelings. But it isn't going away, and that is worrisome. The doctor is sending home some special foods & things to try to help.

There is a small possibility he may have lymphoma.

I'm so sleep deprived and worried and just fucking done with this day.

poor kitty bean

Koshka is home, groggy still from all the medicines. Poor kitty. Dr. Pittman sent us home with all kinds of pain medicine, tooth brush, kitty tooth paste, mouth wash, tooth cleaning treats, fancy food for upset stomachs and pictures of the inside of his mouth. When we made it inside, he went straight for his food bowl and now he is sitting on the sofa.

I'm so full of guilt - for the cat being sick, for spending a huge chunk of our savings towards a house on vet bills, for the fact that the house is a total wreck, the donuts I bought are missing their cream filling and my cooking this week has been awful. It has just been one of those days.