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things are things
Nov. 27th, 2009 11:52 pmThings are.. things.
I haven't been writing here much. In part, I suspect this has a lot to do with how disconnected I feel from 90% of the world. The other part is that I don't think I am entirely okay and I know if I write very much this will quickly become apparent. The thought carries a lot of shame, because it seems like my ability to deal with things has just degraded from a few years ago.
Something probably contributing to all the mess is my inability to stick to any kind of schedule. I have a work schedule, five days a week where at 12pm or 4pm I need to log in to the servers and work. I never miss work, and it never takes me the entire shift to finish. But aside from that, I am incapable of doing anything on a regular basis. I keep making schedules that I never keep. I seem to be incapable of doing something more than two days in a row, whether it is exercising or taking my medication.
This is not something I've ever had a problem with before. This is not something I know how to fix. Ten years ago I worked forty hours and twelve hours of classes each week. My sense of responsibility has been in hyperdrive for years and I wonder if I just burned it out.
Working part time should leave me with plenty of hours every week to exercise and write. This was time I yearned for just a few years ago. Now? I am not doing anything. I don't know what the hell is wrong me. I've tried using my Google calendar and paper calendars and nothing is motivating me to keep any sort of schedule. I have a dozen pages of started stories that don't go anywhere. I have exercise equipment and DVDs and I can't make myself use them consistently.
Somehow I have to stop this weird slide in torpor. What is this? I never used to be like this.
I haven't been writing here much. In part, I suspect this has a lot to do with how disconnected I feel from 90% of the world. The other part is that I don't think I am entirely okay and I know if I write very much this will quickly become apparent. The thought carries a lot of shame, because it seems like my ability to deal with things has just degraded from a few years ago.
Something probably contributing to all the mess is my inability to stick to any kind of schedule. I have a work schedule, five days a week where at 12pm or 4pm I need to log in to the servers and work. I never miss work, and it never takes me the entire shift to finish. But aside from that, I am incapable of doing anything on a regular basis. I keep making schedules that I never keep. I seem to be incapable of doing something more than two days in a row, whether it is exercising or taking my medication.
This is not something I've ever had a problem with before. This is not something I know how to fix. Ten years ago I worked forty hours and twelve hours of classes each week. My sense of responsibility has been in hyperdrive for years and I wonder if I just burned it out.
Working part time should leave me with plenty of hours every week to exercise and write. This was time I yearned for just a few years ago. Now? I am not doing anything. I don't know what the hell is wrong me. I've tried using my Google calendar and paper calendars and nothing is motivating me to keep any sort of schedule. I have a dozen pages of started stories that don't go anywhere. I have exercise equipment and DVDs and I can't make myself use them consistently.
Somehow I have to stop this weird slide in torpor. What is this? I never used to be like this.