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Apr. 11th, 2012 08:10 pmI had a minor moment of hysterics today.
See, I have been so focused on "being positive! all! the! time!" about what's happening because I feel like I have to be in some ways. But my natural inclinations are anything but positive. I'm a terribly pessimistic person in a lot of ways. I'm superstitious. I'm afraid of being too happy, lest the universe decide to knock me back into place.
So I've been really, really afraid. I've been afraid to even say I'm afraid. I know that odds are in my favor, that I've made it through much more invasive surgery before just fine. But there's something viscerally frightening to some degree about the amount of external change about to happen even though it is absolutely what I want and need.
Additionally I haven't been sleeping well and my appetite has been off, probably because of the gigantic vitamins I'm taking every day. I quit soda cold last week, because the ginseng in Pepsi Max conflicts with the vitamins in some way that's not good. Uh, I also smoked all last month and then had to quit that the day of the surgical consult for obvious reasons. (FYI, if you're tempted to take me to task over smoking, don't even. I have no ability to cope with a lecture.)
So, that's where I am. I am trying not to lose my mind from the circling, ceaseless anxiety demons. Today I said fuck it and drove around for forty minutes, listening to loud music. It helped a little.
See, I have been so focused on "being positive! all! the! time!" about what's happening because I feel like I have to be in some ways. But my natural inclinations are anything but positive. I'm a terribly pessimistic person in a lot of ways. I'm superstitious. I'm afraid of being too happy, lest the universe decide to knock me back into place.
So I've been really, really afraid. I've been afraid to even say I'm afraid. I know that odds are in my favor, that I've made it through much more invasive surgery before just fine. But there's something viscerally frightening to some degree about the amount of external change about to happen even though it is absolutely what I want and need.
Additionally I haven't been sleeping well and my appetite has been off, probably because of the gigantic vitamins I'm taking every day. I quit soda cold last week, because the ginseng in Pepsi Max conflicts with the vitamins in some way that's not good. Uh, I also smoked all last month and then had to quit that the day of the surgical consult for obvious reasons. (FYI, if you're tempted to take me to task over smoking, don't even. I have no ability to cope with a lecture.)
So, that's where I am. I am trying not to lose my mind from the circling, ceaseless anxiety demons. Today I said fuck it and drove around for forty minutes, listening to loud music. It helped a little.