we all just spin and spin

I wandered the mile loop of my neighborhood, which was miserable at noon in the heat. I think I have mosquito bites as well. But I had to do something. I woke up at 4am, went back to bed at 5am and those two hours of trying to sleep segued into horrible nightmares. So much misery and madness.

I decided to go out and get coffee because it meant leaving the house. But I didn't want to stay there and I didn't want to go home.

Instead I went to the cemetery. It's a cemetery I drive by anytime I go down the freeway towards downtown. I remember holding my breath in the car, so many times, trusting old superstitions to keep me safe. It's a beautiful place. But it hurts so much that James is there. I stood with him for awhile, becoming that person who goes to cemeteries and has one sided conversations with dead people. But there were things I needed to say, and I needed to say them alone. Just me and the cicadas buzzing in the live oaks and the dying flowers from the services and the summer sun beating down on my shoulders. All that golden light.

The radio gods seem to know my heart lately. The only prayers I've been able to make have all gone to the shuffle button. They answer, unexpectedly.