it's not what I planned at all

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the difference between now and then. The hardest thing for me about getting older is that I remember too much and not enough. Sometimes I can't remember things and it terrifies me, the weight of so many days between the start and the finish. I wish I could remember the last time I saw someone, the last things I said, where we went. Other days I wish I could forget. I feel burdened with too many thoughts, too many associations. Everything links to something else. I can't get away from the chain of connections and I feel sick to my stomach wondering about it.

I am not good at being happy with the things that really matter.

On my birthday, my friends threw me a party. I haven't had an honest to god birthday party for something like half my life. They filled up the entire private dining area at my favorite Russian restaurant. It's not exactly a cheap place and I was shocked so many people came. I praised Eugene for his social coordinating skills. He looked at me and said that it didn't matter what he did to invite people, that they came because they wanted to hang out with me. It took me aback. I spend most of the time feeling like a shadow, someone lingering on the fringes of things who might be enjoyed but isn't a desirable companion in my own right.

I know this is dumb. But I cried because these people planned a party in secret and showed up just because it was my birthday.

I was in love with someone last year. We don't speak at all now. There's a tiny sliver of me that still hurts about it, because I feel the fool and because for a moment there I thought it was real.

It is almost a year since James died. We will never be the same age again.

Being sick for two weeks has made it easy not to smoke. But I want to smoke.