cold pain

The weather's finally changing to cold. I think I'll be okay if it just gets cold because then it won't seem unusual to stay inside huddled on the sofa in a blanket. I feel better in the cold. It aches in my bones and with that pain I know I'm still alive. The cold is the forge that turns my hurt into the hard diamond inside and it keeps me going.

I think about driving on Mopac in the middle of the night, bright moonlight and the cold air from the open car window making my wrists burn at the wheel.

We went and saw Thor last night. I just wanted to live in someone else's head for a little while. My favorite line in the movie comes from Loki: "Satisfaction is not in my nature." The entire character summed up in six words.

Yesterday I made the effort to contact a grief counseling group here in town. I can tell that I'm not entirely okay because I exert too much energy talking myself out of foolish, destructive choices. I'm struggling too with the perception that everyone thinks I'm fine. Because my family relationships are such a clusterfuck, because I wasn't close to my father in the last years, because I'm on the surface functional and fine. Being the person dealing with my father's estate means I don't get to push it away. I have to think about this on a regular basis and until the court proceedings are done I have to look at his fucking car parked in front of my house every damn day.

I have a right to my grief though, whatever it is.