when all those shadows almost killed your light

One day I'm up. The next day I'm down. It is these little fractures.

I am so angry. And sad. And afraid. But I am also doing some of the best work I've ever done, and I'm fiercely proud of myself for how hard I'm working on not being a complete fuck up. Yeah, I haven't turned on the roomba all week or cleaned anything. But I haven't hit anything until I broke a bone in my hand (which honestly is what I've wanted to do for the better part of a week) and I have continued to try to act mostly sensibly in terms of eating and sleeping and drinking and exercising.

My job loves me. The people in my life love me. Even if I can't make myself see why. I would hate to disappoint them by coming apart.

My therapist is pushing me to try to do some things towards my transition that I've put off. How scared and upset this makes me is astounding.

But the thing is - if you don't admit to wanting something no one can walk up and take it away from you. Having to depend on people, people with power over your life like doctors and courts and insurance companies and psychiatrists - is it any wonder that makes me want to run screaming in the other direction? God I am afraid. It would be so easy for them all to say "no" and take this away from me.

I saw something on tumblr that said "If you want things in your life to change, you have to change your life." It hurt, and it feels true.