will I ever learn to sleep

[threeplusfire]

Even after it quieted down, sleep proved elusive. I think it is my lungs. Finally I piled my pillows up and drifted off almost sitting up.Too much dreaming of death.

I started my Lenten fast more than a week early this year. But I think I will give up smoking entirely anyways. I have no physical desire for it, and evaluating the psychological aspects does not leave me with much either. I started smoking because it was the most socially acceptable form of self punishment I had at eighteen. I continued because it was something to do, something to share and a way into conversations I didn't know how to start. I think I've grown past that now.

The only thing I do miss is having something to do with my hands. I fidget too much.

Instead of going to school, I want to lay here with my white tiger that I've finally named Dmitri. Should have gone with my first impression.

Comments

[zombiechu.livejournal.com]

My grandmother never smoked, but she used to fidget when she was nervous or feeling shy. She would play with the top button of her blouse or dress, or handle the pendant of her necklace. I always thought it was so beautiful the way she nervously clenched her coat together.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Interesting. Thank you for telling me that story. I will remember it.