that you belongs to more than one person here

[threeplusfire]

The enormity of all things is coming down heavy and fast on me today. I am afraid that if I stop to look too hard at anything, I'm going to cry. There are too many things here, candles and gifts and memories and things I never gave enough time or thought to having around. I found my first wallet, the grey one I used up into high school, with the red and yellow dinosaurs on the front. Inside there are the paper cranes Jason made for me during French class, fortune cookie slips, a small rock, and the plastic gargoyle that held the mechanism for raising and lowering the throne in Castle Greyskull a very, very long time ago. There is a picture of me from the Christmas band concert in sixth grade, my hair still wavy and carrying my french horn. There is the paperweight with the scorpion sealed inside, from that summer in Arizona. There is the tshirt I traded with Christian in the bathroom that one day. There are a multitude of cards and letters and papers. There are just so many damn things I can't stand it.

I'm trying to keep the words in my head that help, but it's all so bright and quiet. You know, I wish you were here because you wouldn't put up with this sort of thing from me and you would help me find a place to start in all this mess. We have to learn to do all these things alone, I know. I've packed a box up now, and perhaps it will get easier in the doing, just as taking up all these responsibilities too soon has gotten somewhat easier over time. Because now, I am no longer so young and so unique in my position. Strange to think how it's all become so ordinary. I never thought it would end up that way.

I miss you, you know. All of you.

Comments

[fauxfille.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if this is helpful to you...but personally, I had to get rid of many photographs and letters from people/or friends that I no longer know or speak to or care about. Particularly, an old boyfriend. It was a big relief. Sometimes it is nice to hold onto things that you want to remember, and other times it is best to get rid of the ones you don't need to remember. A painful process - cleaning/or moving/or removing - but it feels good to go through of it.

Best to you...fauxfille.

indeed

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It is good advice. There are so many things tied up in strange ambiguities. Objects out of time and place.

It's so hard really, to know I've accumulated a lifetime of things, and not know which ones are the most important ones. It doesn't help my growing sense of disconnection.

I think I should take the scorpion. That has the best memories of all.

Re: indeed

[fauxfille.livejournal.com]

Yes, keep the most important. I still have a few more boxes of stuff to go through at some point.

Re: i dreamed i was kidnapped

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I had thought that I had been somewhat strict with myself, not acquiring a lot. It's only when I open up all these boxes that I am overwhelmed.

I miss my french horn. One day I'm going to buy one of my own. I keep all my fortune cookie slips too.

brighter than the sun

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I'm taking some money I've set aside, and I might buy a french horn when I get to the Czech Republic. I hold out the hope I can acquire one relatively cheaply somewhere.

I don't know what I'm going to do with all these cds. I think it's time to start making mp3s...

there is a drift in and out

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I shudder to think about the havoc that would ensue if all the electric charges and magnetic records animated themselves into the waking world. I'd be overrun, no doubt.

What I need is some magic to shrink and unshrink things at will.

blue boxes in pockets

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Exactly. It would be very nice indeed, to carry Life in my pocket.

I think the lack of sleep is catching up to my neurons. They fizzle and spark, like lightning bugs.