the devils never leave home
Oct. 4th, 2002 05:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threeplusfireIt has been a long day.
Well, it started out pleasantly enough in dreamland, where Gene and Melynda and I lived in a beautiful house with parquet floors and a collection of old Soviet medals. It was just happy and normal, living and going to Metro, and the three of us curled comfortably on the couch watching a movie. Gods above, how I wish I could have stayed in that dream.
That ended when the neighbors rang the door at 9am. They were returning our dog, who had managed to escape through a hole in the fence. The dog is upset, but that goes with both earlier and later events. I had to keep her in the house all day, because she was either going under or over every fence I put in her path.
I spent most of my driving time today thinking about whether to write about this publicly or not, and ended up with the "it doesn't really matter answer." Anyone who knows the history of my paticular family saga will no doubt understand why I'm having panic attacks at the moment.
My sister's dumber-than-a-cow boyfriend has a suspended license. My mother has warned him repeatedly not to drive my sister's car. Well, yesterday he went off on some errand with her car. Closing time rolled around, and he still wasn't back to pick her up from work. Later in the evening, the he called. From jail. He'd been picked up on a DUI, and there is some other oustanding charge relating to his last scrape with the authorities. So, my sister had to get some friend of hers to drive her to South Austin last night to pay the $105 to bail her car out of the lot. Dimwit boyfriend is still in jail, because my sister is still too young to sign a bond, and my mom refuses.
It's ugly, and classic, and there is nothing good to be done. Earlier this week, after learning that Dimwit got fired from easy job #3, my mother told my sister that either he went, or they both did. So, my sister, being amazingly lacking in common sense, has declared that she "is in love and no one understands," blah, blah, etc, etc. She's even threatened to sell her car to bail Dimwit out! (Thank the heavens my mother hid the title.) I don't know how the hell she thinks she's going to live, supporting Dimwit. Neither of them has finished high school. He has demonstrated his chronic inability to hold a job of any kind. (My mother has told my sister several times that she will pay for her to finish her diploma through the correspondence course she's been taking, regardless of anything else.) She has the chance to stay at the house, save some money, etc. But she won't give up on this guy that she doesn't even have a good relationship with. She obviously doesn't trust him, they fight constantly. They had a violent scene involving a knife in the front yard, it seems. It's like bad television, one of those after school specials.
So the house is filled with the screaming and the threats and the madness I left behind three years ago. I'm sick to my stomach and shaking from it, I'm having panic attacks, and I'm worried about everyone. I've wound up right back in the role I didn't want to be three years ago, trying to take care of everyone and talk some sense into them. It didn't work then, and it probably won't work now.
Is it cowardly to want to run far away from this? It is weakness to be so upset by it? I don't know. All I know is that this is so damn wretched.
Well, it started out pleasantly enough in dreamland, where Gene and Melynda and I lived in a beautiful house with parquet floors and a collection of old Soviet medals. It was just happy and normal, living and going to Metro, and the three of us curled comfortably on the couch watching a movie. Gods above, how I wish I could have stayed in that dream.
That ended when the neighbors rang the door at 9am. They were returning our dog, who had managed to escape through a hole in the fence. The dog is upset, but that goes with both earlier and later events. I had to keep her in the house all day, because she was either going under or over every fence I put in her path.
I spent most of my driving time today thinking about whether to write about this publicly or not, and ended up with the "it doesn't really matter answer." Anyone who knows the history of my paticular family saga will no doubt understand why I'm having panic attacks at the moment.
My sister's dumber-than-a-cow boyfriend has a suspended license. My mother has warned him repeatedly not to drive my sister's car. Well, yesterday he went off on some errand with her car. Closing time rolled around, and he still wasn't back to pick her up from work. Later in the evening, the he called. From jail. He'd been picked up on a DUI, and there is some other oustanding charge relating to his last scrape with the authorities. So, my sister had to get some friend of hers to drive her to South Austin last night to pay the $105 to bail her car out of the lot. Dimwit boyfriend is still in jail, because my sister is still too young to sign a bond, and my mom refuses.
It's ugly, and classic, and there is nothing good to be done. Earlier this week, after learning that Dimwit got fired from easy job #3, my mother told my sister that either he went, or they both did. So, my sister, being amazingly lacking in common sense, has declared that she "is in love and no one understands," blah, blah, etc, etc. She's even threatened to sell her car to bail Dimwit out! (Thank the heavens my mother hid the title.) I don't know how the hell she thinks she's going to live, supporting Dimwit. Neither of them has finished high school. He has demonstrated his chronic inability to hold a job of any kind. (My mother has told my sister several times that she will pay for her to finish her diploma through the correspondence course she's been taking, regardless of anything else.) She has the chance to stay at the house, save some money, etc. But she won't give up on this guy that she doesn't even have a good relationship with. She obviously doesn't trust him, they fight constantly. They had a violent scene involving a knife in the front yard, it seems. It's like bad television, one of those after school specials.
So the house is filled with the screaming and the threats and the madness I left behind three years ago. I'm sick to my stomach and shaking from it, I'm having panic attacks, and I'm worried about everyone. I've wound up right back in the role I didn't want to be three years ago, trying to take care of everyone and talk some sense into them. It didn't work then, and it probably won't work now.
Is it cowardly to want to run far away from this? It is weakness to be so upset by it? I don't know. All I know is that this is so damn wretched.
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-05 02:47 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-10-05 11:02 pm (UTC)You're so right, I really should go back to NYC soon. When in doubt, run away! Run far away! (But not to Germany. Germany is evil.)
no subject
Date: 2002-10-05 09:56 pm (UTC)Being upset when you are thrust into a situation that you have been in before, and were upset by before - is NOT weakness. Bad things happen, and we as human beings react to them. How we deal with this is what defines us. It's only worse when it involves people we care about.
Cowardly IMHO does not fit. You have to make decisions that are for you, and about you. If you choose to stay involved, then you will - and you recognize the price that will cost. If you choose to walk away, you have that right, and you recognize the price that will cost.
In the end - there is no pat right or wrong answer. There is YOUR answer - the one that you conclude, the one that you follow and the one that you live with.
If you face this issue, make a decision, and live with it - no one can call you a coward.
Re:
Date: 2002-10-05 11:07 pm (UTC)I have a bad habit of wanting to think in terms of absolutes, even knowing that life is an endless Photosopped greyscale. Perhaps it is a side effect of having to be the responsible, adult member of the family far too early.
But thank you, for pointing something out that I should have reconginized. Ultimately, it is my decision as to how much I'm going to get involved in this current madness.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-05 11:51 pm (UTC)You would be hard pressed to get me to say that is a bad habbit. I've found that when I approach situations in my life with the b&w attitude things flow easier. Mind you this doesnot mean it's not without resquite pain, issues or what have you - but the flow is steady and constant.
Some people will tell me, and have , that life is a series of shades of gray - but most times they are doing so in an effort to get me to buy into their rationalization.
I can be a simplistic person at times. If you like someone, you like them - if you ahte someone you ahte them, if you don't like a situation - you don't like it.
The game we invented - known as society, sometimes makes demands on us to lie, obscure our true feelings, or to step away from the beauty of the clear clean cut decision.
Now having said that, it's damn near impossible to make a decision that way. We have our own feelings to take into consideration - as well as the feelings of people we interact with. Also we have to accept that the end results may be good for us, but not good for the people we have to deal with.
I've been called a cold hearted calculating bastard more than once for acting this way. I've been called " Mr Data " as well. I've been called any number of a host of names , but I have never been called indecisive or wishy washy.
Now some would argue that there are times when people feel indecisive - and that the black and white logic can not work. I disagree. you simply have to state the obvious - you say " I am not decided. I am unsure and I need tome to figgure this out "
It's hard to fill my life with people who are not bullshitters. People who have the fortitude to be black and white with me because I can be a black and white person. Sure I'm not that way 100% - hell even I have off days and fall by the wayside more than once. I'm human - I'm weak, and I make mistakes. I'll tell someone that they are full of govno, but I will MEAN it.
... but that's me - I'm a freak :)
Re:
Date: 2002-10-05 11:58 pm (UTC)I laughed out loud when I read "govno." Too bad Gene's already asleep, or I would demonstrate how Russian's conquering the world. ;)
My life has been spent far too much in trying to find answers where they really don't exist. So much of what I want just don't exist here, anyhow.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-06 12:15 am (UTC)Oh how I agree. Oh how how how.
I remain hopefull, but cynical. I am perfectly capable of believing that what I want does exist - but I don't think it will happen , stastically.
I wait to be plesantly surprised.
Re:
Date: 2002-10-06 09:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-06 02:47 pm (UTC)