time to start

[threeplusfire]

Hold your breath and count to ten
Fall apart then start again
-Placebo

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You just might find
You get what you need
-Rolling Stones

Right. Which is true. Because in the midst of this weekend's beautiful insanity I realized that I absolutely have to go back to school. It has less to do with love than one might think. It was more about the casual moments, talking with these professors that I respect and remembering that little visceral thrill that comes from being in that world. Which means I have to get up and do it, and stop being so afraid that I'm not brilliant and no self respecting grad school would want to have me.

So I'm looking at Slavic Departments all around the country. I'm emailing the people at Columbia right now to see if I can talk to them while I am in New York, and if I work up enough courage this week I'll call Princeton too. Though their website frightens me. I'm emailing my professors and I need to solicit the opinions of grad students I know. I must study myself into a coma for the GREs this summer. I must cajole my professors into letters of recommendation. I must do all these things that make me nervous and require me to be forward and presume that other people want to help me do this.

That's the secret you see. I have lived my entire life presuming that no one gives a damn about me or what I want to do, and as such would have no reason to help me. It is not that I assume anyone is malicious or cold. I just find it hard to see why they would care. Self esteem issues that are slowly being ironed out, I suppose. Hence support has always come as a shock, and adjusting to the knowledge that I have friends and teachers who do care has been a strange strange thing.

I will start working on a thousand word personal statement, in which I will try to refrain from waxing poetic about subways, Czech beer, or my desire to live in New York and be a ninja butler for a beautiful actress. Well, maybe I'll write two essays.

Comments

[lyeta.livejournal.com]

This is good news, Amanda! I'm happy to read this.
Best luck--be sure to keep me updated on the search both for my own curiosity and my own future. As I sort of have my heart set on Columbia (their translation program, of course), I'll be interested to know how you find it there.

Cheers!
Samantha

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh certainly. I'm sure I'll hit a period where I do nothing but babble about the prospects of grad school and I will drive everyone mad.

The Columbia programs just look so very wonderful. Oh, I really do want to go there. Just think, perhaps we shall both end up there, and we can start a Stalinize Your Bathroom Crusade! ;)

[lyeta.livejournal.com]

New York will never be the same after we combine forces!

We need a Stalinize Your Subway program. I mean, the Moscow metro is just aesthetically superior to anything we have. (Not to mention efficiency. . .) We should Stalinize the subways. With that godless Stalin always watching, perhaps public transportation will shape up.

Best--
Samantha

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh that's a brilliant thought! I dream of riding the subway in Moscow one day. It's just the most beautiful thing. I love the one in Prague, with those metallic walls and deep, deep tunnels.

Under the ever watchful gaze of that godless Stalin, the subways shall be great!

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

It would be too fucking perfect if you moved to New York!! Yes, yes, yes! : )

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hahah, oh wouldn't it be? Can you imagine me tearing around the East Coast with Toonces?

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

I have to take the GRE at the end of the summer too! We can be study buddies!!!

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Now that's a good thought. We can drink frosty beverages and wonder why on earth they want to ask us such silly questions.

From Melynda

[(Anonymous)]

I have faith in you... You are too smart to fail... And I love you more than words, never doubt it!

Re: From Melynda

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I love you too you know. Even if I'm terrible about showing it.

[puella.livejournal.com]

I think it's so clear that this is the vest thing for you. I can definitely see you being happier in the long and short run if you go to grad school - you love school!
And if any of your applications require recs from 18 year olds who don't know you, know nothing about your department, but went to the same college as you I've totally got your back!

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I do love school. I am a bit crazy. ;)
And thank you! You are too generous.

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'll write a recommendation for Ninja Butler duty if you want. :) Love you honey, pursue the dream, fight the good fight. I SEE YOU SOOOOOON!

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Woo! I need to start practicing my stoic Ninja Butler stare. In a little over a week you can have a live rendition!

[siria.livejournal.com]

*crosses fingers* Go for it.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And I so love that icon. It makes me snicker.

[siria.livejournal.com]

It could as well be a Lucius&Tom-foundation-button. "Donate $50 per week and make two evil wizards happy." ("And give their players a few hours of rest by letting them buy stupid shoes and hats and hair-conditioners for their boys.")

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hahah! That's a fantastic idea. We could let them go off shopping. That would be funny beyond words. I want to take Lucius to Tesco and make him buy me random things. And more shampoo.