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threeplusfireRough draft of Letters (updated)
Author: tsarina
Pairing: Lucius/Narcissa/Severus
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Not really anything, but it probably makes more sense if you have read Chapter 2 of HBP.
(I haven't written fanfic for anything in such a very long time. I'm still trying to find the right voice for this. It still feels awkard, hence the notation that this is a draft.)
When they brought me here, they took my wand. Thankfully they spared the rest of my person, aside from a few ungentlemanly blows meant to revenge themselves for old wounds and new. But I would have done much worse, so it did not bother me as much as it might have. How much can a fist in the face hurt, after what we have endured? I am more annoyed by the blood than the pain. It seems a waste after this evening.
I am at a loss as to what to do with my hands. Years have accustomed me to the habit of finding my dressing table and my desk always at my hand. My requests were smoothly denied by the officious bastard running this wretched outpost. Security can hardly be the excuse and I doubt they imagine I will slit my wrists with a quill. Perhaps they just imagine that I would adorn my room with the Mark and swallow the ink. It is very tiresome to deal with these sorts of people, when there is so much still to be done.
He is not happy with me. That much I know for certain. My arm aches, like the echo of a Cruciatus curse. The knowledge that I have failed is bitter and poisonous. My throat is dry, but not with fear of what my enemies would do or these grim walls. I fear his disappointment, and the failure of all that I have worked for in these years. I fear losing.
I am angry, anxious in this small space. The air is choking.
*****
Dear Narcissa,
Regardless of tonight, do not fear.
fondly,
Lucius
*****
I lift my head at sounds in the corridor. It seemed so out of place, unnatural to hear something human. Something other than human screams, I should say. But there isn't a lot that is truly human about those, at least not after a certain period of time. It gives me some comfort to imagine Black in here, screaming his damn fool head off for year after year.
It still remains to be seen if I will scream.
The lack of a window bothers me more than it should. I keep time with the meager rations handed through the door. From time to time I am seized with a flippant desire to write to Narcissa and request that she send a basket of oranges. I've fought the urge to raise my voice and make demands that will in all truth be ignored. At least I have not made myself ridiculous like some of the others. I'm certain Bellatrix demanded, and screamed. I'm quite certain she screamed all the time.
There have been no visitors, other than the officious Ministry lackeys and a few Aurors in the first days. I don't count my near constant companions, the dementors, who roam the halls. From time to time, they let one into my room. On those occasions, I'm glad that my meals are so inadequate.
I confess, it disquiets me to be this isolated. Even more than the lack of a proper hairbrush and fresh clothing, it is the lack of news or word that scrapes my nerves. From time to time, my arm burns and I know. But even that isn't enough to calm me. Late, late after those scanty suppers I find myself walking the stones of my room and wondering what passes us in the night.
I am unsurprised by the loneliness. I compose long letters that I am not allowed to write for fear that I might compose some cryptic cipher and thus ruin the reputation of our industrious keepers. An inquiry after the health and well being of my family would no doubt contain the seeds of a dangerous plot. While I'm certain they understand the silence, it galls me. There is so much I would know, and none of it can be.
*****
Dearest Narcissa,
Write to me, and let me know you are safe.
fondly,
Lucius
*****
The first time, it was only a few days. It felt much longer, certainly. There was more activity then, and much more discussion. My time was spent thinking very quickly about landing on my feet and not taking up permanent residence on this cursed rock. The shock of events gave me enough air of distraction and horror that it made my explanation much more realistic than it should have been. They are all cursing themselves for it, and perhaps that is why they avoid me now.
Severus was here, then. It was almost as if we had gotten into some terrible misadventure like children who would be given detentions and lines to copy except that so many people were crying and shouting. I seem to remember walking in a state of half hysteria, and laughing when Severus shouted at me to shut my damnable mouth. Perhaps that too made them believe me.
He never told me what he said to convince them of his repentence. I inquired, not at all sober, and he only stared at me while I spun stories out of whiskey and relief.
Narcissa took it very hard then. Draco was still an infant, and she appeared on the steps with a child in her arms when they released me. Her eyes were so wet, but she held herself so well. I remember she held my head still and combed the tangles from my hair while I dressed to rejoin the world. Her hands did not shake but mine did. I didn't think it was more than a dream until the child started crying and we apparated back to the Manor. After days, nothing seemed quite real at all.
*****
Dearest Narcissa,
Our current seperation is surely difficult to bear, but I should assure you that I am well. My time here passes more easily than you might imagine it to do. I am sorely lacking in comforts and I would ask for you to send the contents of my dressing table if such a thing could be allowed.
I trust Draco is holding his head up and performing well. I don't doubt that you are troubled but perhaps this letter will bring you some comfort. I think of you often, and would take my own comfort in knowing that you are well.
I miss your company. Send oranges, and write to me.
fondly,
Lucius
*****
I cling to my unwritten letters, to keep myself still in this body and sane. Time has slipped away from me and I can no longer tell just how long it has been. I won't give them the satisfaction of hearing my inquiry. Let them think I don't care, or that I know.
The dementors come more often, and I feel the cold inside as well. Would that I could drive them off with force of will alone, to preserve these memories. I will not demean myself by brawling, but neither will I let them take me so easily to the most unpleasant fate. The longer I wait, the more certain I am that they intend to take everything from me.
With my back up against the wall, I imagine our summer holidays in Greece and the warm feeling of the ocean at my feet. Narcissa and I would walk arm in arm down to the edge of the sea, and our son would run ahead. Under the wide awning of the pavillion, Severus would read and we would talk of things that were never serious. He watched Draco more closely than we did, I must admit. Sometimes I think Severus should have been his father and I wondered if he felt the lack of such a life when he stayed with us. We shared everything, and so I would not begrudge him the affection of my wife or my son, such as it was.
There was nothing I would not give. Were it in my power to make our lives something other than it was, I might have made everything as we once imagined it to be.
*****
Dear Severus,
With any luck I will see you. I can only hope for that. It is your company I miss most of all in here, for it would go quite a long way towards preserving my sanity to parry with your acerbic comments.
There are so many things I would say, but I can not bring myself to write them down even here. We have always known the truth between us, so it hardly bears repeating.
yours,
Lucius
*****
I lost myself somewhere in that memory.
Surely they could at least allow letters. I have no means of creating or unlocking a spell here, and they would know certainly. I don't doubt that they watch more closely than they pretend to do. I have no peace with this invisible audience. I comb out my hair with my fingers as carefully as I can manage. Some dignity must be preserved, in the face of impossibilities.
Author: tsarina
Pairing: Lucius/Narcissa/Severus
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Not really anything, but it probably makes more sense if you have read Chapter 2 of HBP.
(I haven't written fanfic for anything in such a very long time. I'm still trying to find the right voice for this. It still feels awkard, hence the notation that this is a draft.)
When they brought me here, they took my wand. Thankfully they spared the rest of my person, aside from a few ungentlemanly blows meant to revenge themselves for old wounds and new. But I would have done much worse, so it did not bother me as much as it might have. How much can a fist in the face hurt, after what we have endured? I am more annoyed by the blood than the pain. It seems a waste after this evening.
I am at a loss as to what to do with my hands. Years have accustomed me to the habit of finding my dressing table and my desk always at my hand. My requests were smoothly denied by the officious bastard running this wretched outpost. Security can hardly be the excuse and I doubt they imagine I will slit my wrists with a quill. Perhaps they just imagine that I would adorn my room with the Mark and swallow the ink. It is very tiresome to deal with these sorts of people, when there is so much still to be done.
He is not happy with me. That much I know for certain. My arm aches, like the echo of a Cruciatus curse. The knowledge that I have failed is bitter and poisonous. My throat is dry, but not with fear of what my enemies would do or these grim walls. I fear his disappointment, and the failure of all that I have worked for in these years. I fear losing.
I am angry, anxious in this small space. The air is choking.
*****
Dear Narcissa,
Regardless of tonight, do not fear.
fondly,
Lucius
*****
I lift my head at sounds in the corridor. It seemed so out of place, unnatural to hear something human. Something other than human screams, I should say. But there isn't a lot that is truly human about those, at least not after a certain period of time. It gives me some comfort to imagine Black in here, screaming his damn fool head off for year after year.
It still remains to be seen if I will scream.
The lack of a window bothers me more than it should. I keep time with the meager rations handed through the door. From time to time I am seized with a flippant desire to write to Narcissa and request that she send a basket of oranges. I've fought the urge to raise my voice and make demands that will in all truth be ignored. At least I have not made myself ridiculous like some of the others. I'm certain Bellatrix demanded, and screamed. I'm quite certain she screamed all the time.
There have been no visitors, other than the officious Ministry lackeys and a few Aurors in the first days. I don't count my near constant companions, the dementors, who roam the halls. From time to time, they let one into my room. On those occasions, I'm glad that my meals are so inadequate.
I confess, it disquiets me to be this isolated. Even more than the lack of a proper hairbrush and fresh clothing, it is the lack of news or word that scrapes my nerves. From time to time, my arm burns and I know. But even that isn't enough to calm me. Late, late after those scanty suppers I find myself walking the stones of my room and wondering what passes us in the night.
I am unsurprised by the loneliness. I compose long letters that I am not allowed to write for fear that I might compose some cryptic cipher and thus ruin the reputation of our industrious keepers. An inquiry after the health and well being of my family would no doubt contain the seeds of a dangerous plot. While I'm certain they understand the silence, it galls me. There is so much I would know, and none of it can be.
*****
Dearest Narcissa,
Write to me, and let me know you are safe.
fondly,
Lucius
*****
The first time, it was only a few days. It felt much longer, certainly. There was more activity then, and much more discussion. My time was spent thinking very quickly about landing on my feet and not taking up permanent residence on this cursed rock. The shock of events gave me enough air of distraction and horror that it made my explanation much more realistic than it should have been. They are all cursing themselves for it, and perhaps that is why they avoid me now.
Severus was here, then. It was almost as if we had gotten into some terrible misadventure like children who would be given detentions and lines to copy except that so many people were crying and shouting. I seem to remember walking in a state of half hysteria, and laughing when Severus shouted at me to shut my damnable mouth. Perhaps that too made them believe me.
He never told me what he said to convince them of his repentence. I inquired, not at all sober, and he only stared at me while I spun stories out of whiskey and relief.
Narcissa took it very hard then. Draco was still an infant, and she appeared on the steps with a child in her arms when they released me. Her eyes were so wet, but she held herself so well. I remember she held my head still and combed the tangles from my hair while I dressed to rejoin the world. Her hands did not shake but mine did. I didn't think it was more than a dream until the child started crying and we apparated back to the Manor. After days, nothing seemed quite real at all.
*****
Dearest Narcissa,
Our current seperation is surely difficult to bear, but I should assure you that I am well. My time here passes more easily than you might imagine it to do. I am sorely lacking in comforts and I would ask for you to send the contents of my dressing table if such a thing could be allowed.
I trust Draco is holding his head up and performing well. I don't doubt that you are troubled but perhaps this letter will bring you some comfort. I think of you often, and would take my own comfort in knowing that you are well.
I miss your company. Send oranges, and write to me.
fondly,
Lucius
*****
I cling to my unwritten letters, to keep myself still in this body and sane. Time has slipped away from me and I can no longer tell just how long it has been. I won't give them the satisfaction of hearing my inquiry. Let them think I don't care, or that I know.
The dementors come more often, and I feel the cold inside as well. Would that I could drive them off with force of will alone, to preserve these memories. I will not demean myself by brawling, but neither will I let them take me so easily to the most unpleasant fate. The longer I wait, the more certain I am that they intend to take everything from me.
With my back up against the wall, I imagine our summer holidays in Greece and the warm feeling of the ocean at my feet. Narcissa and I would walk arm in arm down to the edge of the sea, and our son would run ahead. Under the wide awning of the pavillion, Severus would read and we would talk of things that were never serious. He watched Draco more closely than we did, I must admit. Sometimes I think Severus should have been his father and I wondered if he felt the lack of such a life when he stayed with us. We shared everything, and so I would not begrudge him the affection of my wife or my son, such as it was.
There was nothing I would not give. Were it in my power to make our lives something other than it was, I might have made everything as we once imagined it to be.
*****
Dear Severus,
With any luck I will see you. I can only hope for that. It is your company I miss most of all in here, for it would go quite a long way towards preserving my sanity to parry with your acerbic comments.
There are so many things I would say, but I can not bring myself to write them down even here. We have always known the truth between us, so it hardly bears repeating.
yours,
Lucius
*****
I lost myself somewhere in that memory.
Surely they could at least allow letters. I have no means of creating or unlocking a spell here, and they would know certainly. I don't doubt that they watch more closely than they pretend to do. I have no peace with this invisible audience. I comb out my hair with my fingers as carefully as I can manage. Some dignity must be preserved, in the face of impossibilities.