in transition

[threeplusfire]

I realized over the past several days that most of the talking I do about my transitional state of being has happened in very scatter shot ways and so many different places. Also, several of the LJ posts were private and I forgot I made them private. Embarrassing. Since it has come up frequently in the past two weeks, I thought I would make a post to sort of catch everything up.



I've become a bit more comfortable telling people I haven't seen in awhile. Of course, I haven't said anything to my family. (But I really don't talk to them about anything more serious than a vacation plan, so I don't think that counts.) With Mike's family, I haven't said anything either since most of his extended relatives are of a more conservative bent or are older. I think it will be easier with his parents. (As an aside, I find Mike's family sort of heart breaking and boggling all at once, as they are genuinely close and caring with each other. It is so different from my own experiences.) Jess, my sister in law, is out and their parents are very accepting.

Sometimes I think about changing my name. Then I think about the enormous pain it was to have everything changed the two times I've changed my last name and I start thinking that I don't care so much about my legal identity and name on paper. That part of things is still very nebulous for me.

But I do think about taking on another name for people to call me in general. I just haven't really decided on anything. The same goes for the pronouns. I'm starting to feel more like I'm ready to start using those masculine pronouns and whatnot, but the need hasn't been pressing enough.

I ordered a binder yesterday. A real one as opposed to "can this sports bra of doom flatten out these unusually large breasts?" sort of thing. I've never been one for super feminine clothing in the first place, so adjusting my wardrobe is not entirely hard. I own a couple skirts and I wear them around the house just because they are easy or I haven't done any of the laundry. But I really think I'm done with dressing like a woman for the most part. The more difficult part of it will be getting into shape and maybe losing a few pounds.

Oh damn, I think the really hard part is the vast amount of jewelry. Especially earrings. Fuck it. A guy can wear all the dangling, sparkly earrings from Wyrding Studios that he wants.

Every time I feel overwhelmed I try to remind myself that everything happens in small steps and I don't have to do every single thing at once right now.

Therapy - I'm on a mailing list for a local transmen group though I've not been able to get to the meetings with my stupid work schedule. I'm also sort of shy, which I know we all tend to forget. I am trying to find someone to do some face to face one on one therapy with but my previous therapy experiences sort of cloud my thinking. (Crazy lady who told me enemas would cure my depression, the therapist who just vanished between one session and the next, etc.) But I have a lead or two, so we will see.

I've started thinking more about surgery/hormones and the mode medical aspects of transitioning. Quite frankly, it all scares the hell out of me. Being so sick int he past year from the gall bladder thing and the hot mess that was my hospital stay makes me skittish. (I really think I had some PTSD happening in regards to that. How fucking ridiculous that I feel like I've finally achieved an equilibrium/detente with my depression only to have to deal with the PTSD which is probably why I need a therapist now more than anything.) But it is on the table, at least in my head.

Sometimes I feel so terrified, and I expect people to tell me "you are just making all this up to make yourself seem special." I am profoundly grateful for the love and support I have from Mike, and my good friends. This would be so much harder without that.


So my tl;dr friends, the summary: Yes I am making tiny steps towards transitioning, stop looking at me like a girl!, screw it I am keeping my massive earring collection, one day I'll change my name, going to go to therapy and one day deal with the medical aspects. Mike still loves me, friends still like me, nope haven't told my parents.

Comments

[kythryne.livejournal.com]

I am firmly in favor of men in skirts and sparkly earrings. It's awesome and hot.

That said, I will be happy to play around with more masculine or gender-neutral sorts of earrings if you want.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I knew you would be on my side in this! :D

Also, I am all for earring experimentation. I know you have a lot on your plate, but I would love to see what you could create.

[mielikki.livejournal.com]

Yay! I know too many Amandas, this will make things so much easier for me! :D And anyone who breathes a hint of you 'making this up to feel special' needs to be clocked with a fire extinguisher.

I know more than one man who favors sparkly jewelry. And, I have a lead for a shrink- the couples one Eric and I are seeing is awesome, and if she doesn't have experience working with transfolk she will certainly have some referrals: Tracy Deagan

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAH.

Also, that is *exactly* the person I was thinking about calling. How weird is that?

[quixotic.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty new to your LJ party here but I just wanted to pop in and show my support for you, and for guys in skirts and sparkly earrings in general. ;)

Also, if you are needing more therapist leads, my therapist Louis Laves-Webb isn't specifically a gender/transition specialist, but very kind, open-minded, and respectful of his patients' own personal processes. Also, he has pretty flexible scheduling.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hello! Thank you for popping by - I am appreciative. All support is great, and even more so if it encourages my sparkly earring habit.

Thanks for the therapist lead - searching has been such a weird process. In the past I've gone to the person my employer's EAP assigned and that never turned out well. So having recommendations for people who actually like their therapist is so helpful.

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I feel so terrified, and I expect people to tell me "you are just making all this up to make yourself seem special."

Well, I don't. :) I feel very honored to have seen you grow into and become more comfortable with yourself over the past years and months, and I'm gursh durn proud of you.

Also men + earrings still equals yes.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yay. It is so crazy to think how long we've known each other now and all the changes in both our lives.

I am ridiculously happy that men + earrings still equals yes.

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

I'm also chiming in to voice support and encouragement! I didn't know that most of this was going on for you, so I'm glad to be in the loop so I can cheer you on as you need. And use the pronouns you prefer!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's funny in retrospect that I thought I was blathering on about this all the time, but I actually wasn't. So I'm making an effort to be more open about it so people aren't blindsided.

[daysprings.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to chime in with my support (you will always have it). This was good to read, because I was thinking I HAD missed a lot of your posts about your journey -- am glad they were private and I'm not just crazy or a bad friend!

And I'm glad you're keeping your sparkly earrings, because they are fabulous.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I recently changed the layout/style of my journal, which is what made me realize I set some entries to private and didn't realize. And here I was about to flounce off LJ in a huff because no one was paying attention to me! Haha, oops. It is a good thing I don't blog for pay or I would have been fired ages ago.

I am always so glad to know you.

[cymry.livejournal.com]

I know several men who wear skirts (and not just kilts, either). It takes courage and self-confidence, but you seem to have plenty of that already, so I'm really not worried. And earrings on men would look fantastic - I'm sad that has fallen out of fashion since mediaeval times.

I have several friends who identify as trans-gendered, but each to varying degrees. All have stopped short of medical alterations (some of them likely for fear of the cost). I think it's fantastic that you're considering it, though it does sound scary.

Also, there are entirely too many Amandas, and not enough Antons, in North America. =)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I was once in a dance class with several other Amandas. That was confusing.

Everyone needs some sparkly earrings.

Thank you.

[theotoky.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to add my support and love to the list.

*hug*

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thanks lady. I'm glad you are around.

[awdrey-gore.livejournal.com]

You are very brave and I personally think you should wear whatever you want in what ever sexual and gender configuration you are.

I'm glad you clarified because I missed all the posts about it. I hope this journey is as smooth as it can be and I offer you all the support I can.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

For someone who spent so much time as a communications major, I am actually awful at communicating. Hah!

Thanks for your comment.

[eroticcakejob.livejournal.com]

*Thumbs Up!*

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yay for double digits! (And thanks)

[xiuzan.livejournal.com]

Don't have time to read all of the comments, but it looks like folks are being supportive so far, which is awesome!!

As far as I'm concerned, your gender identity is what you feel it is. If that's male, but with shiny, sparkly earrings, so be it.

The important thing is that it's comfortable for YOU. No one else has to live in your body. Just you. No one else has to feel the way you do when someone addresses you as Amanda/she/her/Anton (or whatever)/he/him, etc. It's your call and I think you've found a lot of people in life that will support you in whatever you do.

So, with the pronoun thing... I can't guarantee I won't ever slip up, since I've known you as a female for so long, but if you say the word, I'll do my best to remember that you're a 'he'. Should I start now?

Oh... and Tsarina... will you become a Tsar? :)

[xiuzan.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you've gotten lots of horrible AmanDUH jokes in your life, because... well, people are goofy like that. I've heard it and I'm not even an Amanda. However, I just realized you could turn it around now and tell people, "I'm A man! Duh!" ;)

K... that was bad. I can't help it, though. My brain is always playing with words. Maybe that makes me goofy like the other folks. :P

[fleurdeliser.livejournal.com]

You have all my support. ♥

I say fuck society's views of "gender-appropriate" dress/behavior/whatever. You are a man, yes. But you can wear whateverthefuck you want.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I have to confess I watched The Tudors and had seriously clothing lust for the stuff Henry was wearing. Someone bring me some brocade and fur immediately!

Thank you. <3

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

Nothing profound to say- but you go, guy! \o/

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I find myself wanting to change my name to Vojtek, because holy shit Nazi fighting, hard drinking, shell carrying GIANT BEAR. Hell yes.

(And thank you. \o/)

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this update. I'm glad you shared what's going on in your head about this.

You know I support you, no matter what. I just want to remind you not to be afraid to play musical therapists until you find a good fit. You've experienced the bad ones already, but there are very good doctors out there who will be helpful. And my gut is telling me that this is too important to go through without professional support as well. So if the first person isn't right, move on to the next until you find someone who makes you feel safe, encouraged and supported. It might also be a good idea to make sure they'd be willing to see both you and Mike together if the time comes that your changing relationship might benefit from that.

I'm sure these are all things you've thought about. I mention them only because I love you, and I want whatever this experience becomes to be rewarding and happy. I would hate for you to do all this work, only to feel somehow more unhappy or traumatized as a result.

Okay, practicalities over now. I love you no matter what (probably even more with sparklies and fabulousness).

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I think I am the worst blog writer ever. How did I think I told everyone this already?

The therapy question should be interesting. I appreciate your comments about the therapy, because you have a good perspective and lots of experience.

(Mike compared us to Holmes and Watson the other night, and I had to point out the gay subtext of that was through the roof. Hah!)

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

I admire those who have the courage to step out and be who they are. Thank you for allowing me to be along for the journey and know that I'm here sending out the good mojo and will love watching you transition into the skin that feels right to you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

You come highly recommended from tinywarrior! I hope the coming year brings good things for both of us.

[fox-c.livejournal.com]

I don't know you very well, but congratulations on taking this step. And as the others have said - wear the skirts and sparkly earrings if that's what you want. =) I really wish you all the best and thank you for sharing your journey.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Hopefully I will do a better job of writing down my journey going forward.

[dine.livejournal.com]

yay! you, for figuring out who you are, and doing what it takes to become that person for reals. good luck finding a therapist to help in that process.

I think men in skirts and sparkly earrings ROCK!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It is such a strange feeling to be openly talking about this after spending so much time trying not to talk about it.

[halfacork.livejournal.com]

/love

See, you can't give up skirts quite yet because OMG SQUEE the enrapture vintage order is going out soon! I am so excited and I don't even do skirts under most circumstances.

As for dangley earrings on men, I think you know my opinion on this very well.

If you need me, I'm here=)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong that I sort of want to wear my enwrapture piece as a cape? Swoop! Hahahah. Colorful wizard outfit!

Seriously, I AM SO EXCITED BY FANCY FABRIC.

Thank you, for all the words.

[litos.livejournal.com]

I've always been a dude and I have been known to wear skirts. They are comfortable and provide for good air flow. No one likes sweaty junk.

-K

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That is really the best possible argument. Hah!

[curmudgn]

Dude--I'm a hetero-cis-guy. *I* wear sparkly earrings (or did until i let the holes go for too long, and they grew shut on me, which I have to remedy RSN). I have a lots better ear-dangle collection than my spouse, and maybe better than my daughter.

If I can wear sparkly dangles, then any trans-man you care to name ought to be allowed sparkly dangles too, if he's a mind.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yay for the earring wearing dude club! And seriously, thank you.

This is a great post!

[lemonchiffon.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to add my encouragement to the list. I admire you so much.

Re: This is a great post!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Aww thank you. I appreciate all encouragement.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

Yay! <3

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yay indeed! <3

[siria.livejournal.com]

Go you!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

I believe this is where I offer you some kind of secret handshake, y/y?

(Translation: I've got your back, yo.)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yay for secret handshake! Rach will tell you I have tiny little hands, and it is true. Thank you.

(I totally want to write some Ginger Bill for my kink bingo!)

[onyxlynxx.livejournal.com]

I think you are an awesome person. Let us know if/when you would like us to call you something different. Renaming yourself is an excellent opportunity to shape the person you are becoming. Several of the males I know where skirts and/or earrings. You ought to do whatever pleases you. Posting this was very brave. *hugs*

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the support. It means a lot.