in transition
Jun. 7th, 2010 10:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threeplusfireI realized over the past several days that most of the talking I do about my transitional state of being has happened in very scatter shot ways and so many different places. Also, several of the LJ posts were private and I forgot I made them private. Embarrassing. Since it has come up frequently in the past two weeks, I thought I would make a post to sort of catch everything up.
I've become a bit more comfortable telling people I haven't seen in awhile. Of course, I haven't said anything to my family. (But I really don't talk to them about anything more serious than a vacation plan, so I don't think that counts.) With Mike's family, I haven't said anything either since most of his extended relatives are of a more conservative bent or are older. I think it will be easier with his parents. (As an aside, I find Mike's family sort of heart breaking and boggling all at once, as they are genuinely close and caring with each other. It is so different from my own experiences.) Jess, my sister in law, is out and their parents are very accepting.
Sometimes I think about changing my name. Then I think about the enormous pain it was to have everything changed the two times I've changed my last name and I start thinking that I don't care so much about my legal identity and name on paper. That part of things is still very nebulous for me.
But I do think about taking on another name for people to call me in general. I just haven't really decided on anything. The same goes for the pronouns. I'm starting to feel more like I'm ready to start using those masculine pronouns and whatnot, but the need hasn't been pressing enough.
I ordered a binder yesterday. A real one as opposed to "can this sports bra of doom flatten out these unusually large breasts?" sort of thing. I've never been one for super feminine clothing in the first place, so adjusting my wardrobe is not entirely hard. I own a couple skirts and I wear them around the house just because they are easy or I haven't done any of the laundry. But I really think I'm done with dressing like a woman for the most part. The more difficult part of it will be getting into shape and maybe losing a few pounds.
Oh damn, I think the really hard part is the vast amount of jewelry. Especially earrings. Fuck it. A guy can wear all the dangling, sparkly earrings from Wyrding Studios that he wants.
Every time I feel overwhelmed I try to remind myself that everything happens in small steps and I don't have to do every single thing at once right now.
Therapy - I'm on a mailing list for a local transmen group though I've not been able to get to the meetings with my stupid work schedule. I'm also sort of shy, which I know we all tend to forget. I am trying to find someone to do some face to face one on one therapy with but my previous therapy experiences sort of cloud my thinking. (Crazy lady who told me enemas would cure my depression, the therapist who just vanished between one session and the next, etc.) But I have a lead or two, so we will see.
I've started thinking more about surgery/hormones and the mode medical aspects of transitioning. Quite frankly, it all scares the hell out of me. Being so sick int he past year from the gall bladder thing and the hot mess that was my hospital stay makes me skittish. (I really think I had some PTSD happening in regards to that. How fucking ridiculous that I feel like I've finally achieved an equilibrium/detente with my depression only to have to deal with the PTSD which is probably why I need a therapist now more than anything.) But it is on the table, at least in my head.
Sometimes I feel so terrified, and I expect people to tell me "you are just making all this up to make yourself seem special." I am profoundly grateful for the love and support I have from Mike, and my good friends. This would be so much harder without that.
So my tl;dr friends, the summary: Yes I am making tiny steps towards transitioning, stop looking at me like a girl!, screw it I am keeping my massive earring collection, one day I'll change my name, going to go to therapy and one day deal with the medical aspects. Mike still loves me, friends still like me, nope haven't told my parents.
I've become a bit more comfortable telling people I haven't seen in awhile. Of course, I haven't said anything to my family. (But I really don't talk to them about anything more serious than a vacation plan, so I don't think that counts.) With Mike's family, I haven't said anything either since most of his extended relatives are of a more conservative bent or are older. I think it will be easier with his parents. (As an aside, I find Mike's family sort of heart breaking and boggling all at once, as they are genuinely close and caring with each other. It is so different from my own experiences.) Jess, my sister in law, is out and their parents are very accepting.
Sometimes I think about changing my name. Then I think about the enormous pain it was to have everything changed the two times I've changed my last name and I start thinking that I don't care so much about my legal identity and name on paper. That part of things is still very nebulous for me.
But I do think about taking on another name for people to call me in general. I just haven't really decided on anything. The same goes for the pronouns. I'm starting to feel more like I'm ready to start using those masculine pronouns and whatnot, but the need hasn't been pressing enough.
I ordered a binder yesterday. A real one as opposed to "can this sports bra of doom flatten out these unusually large breasts?" sort of thing. I've never been one for super feminine clothing in the first place, so adjusting my wardrobe is not entirely hard. I own a couple skirts and I wear them around the house just because they are easy or I haven't done any of the laundry. But I really think I'm done with dressing like a woman for the most part. The more difficult part of it will be getting into shape and maybe losing a few pounds.
Oh damn, I think the really hard part is the vast amount of jewelry. Especially earrings. Fuck it. A guy can wear all the dangling, sparkly earrings from Wyrding Studios that he wants.
Every time I feel overwhelmed I try to remind myself that everything happens in small steps and I don't have to do every single thing at once right now.
Therapy - I'm on a mailing list for a local transmen group though I've not been able to get to the meetings with my stupid work schedule. I'm also sort of shy, which I know we all tend to forget. I am trying to find someone to do some face to face one on one therapy with but my previous therapy experiences sort of cloud my thinking. (Crazy lady who told me enemas would cure my depression, the therapist who just vanished between one session and the next, etc.) But I have a lead or two, so we will see.
I've started thinking more about surgery/hormones and the mode medical aspects of transitioning. Quite frankly, it all scares the hell out of me. Being so sick int he past year from the gall bladder thing and the hot mess that was my hospital stay makes me skittish. (I really think I had some PTSD happening in regards to that. How fucking ridiculous that I feel like I've finally achieved an equilibrium/detente with my depression only to have to deal with the PTSD which is probably why I need a therapist now more than anything.) But it is on the table, at least in my head.
Sometimes I feel so terrified, and I expect people to tell me "you are just making all this up to make yourself seem special." I am profoundly grateful for the love and support I have from Mike, and my good friends. This would be so much harder without that.
So my tl;dr friends, the summary: Yes I am making tiny steps towards transitioning, stop looking at me like a girl!, screw it I am keeping my massive earring collection, one day I'll change my name, going to go to therapy and one day deal with the medical aspects. Mike still loves me, friends still like me, nope haven't told my parents.
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Date: 2010-06-09 02:42 am (UTC)(I totally want to write some Ginger Bill for my kink bingo!)
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Date: 2010-06-09 02:58 am (UTC)I might do yuletide this year and ask for some...
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Date: 2010-06-09 03:12 am (UTC)