Going down

[threeplusfire]

When my roommate came home last night, I very calmly and sadly told her of what had happened with the cat, my plant, and the wine. The entire time, I kept my voice low, very steady and I was feeling good that I had managed to do it all without tears or shouting.

The entire time I was speaking, she just stared at me with this blank look. When I finished, she asked bluntly, "What do you want me to do?" When I told her the wine wasn't something she could replace, she gave me a little speech about how she wasn't responsible for the cat's actions, and it was basically my own fault. And oh yeah, sorry. But it was all said so rudely and insincerely.

Perhaps I was wrong to speak so calmly. Perhaps I should have told her how much it meant to me at first. I became upset and started preparing for bed while she got on the phone with a friend.

She told her friend I was screaming at her about the cat, which was unbelievable. So shocked, I confronted her right then. It didn't do any good, as she gave me some lame excuse.

At this point I broke down. Far beyond the breaking point really. I told her she didn't care about anyone but herself and went out onto the balcony.

This is the friend I just recently held as she cried from a broken heart, the one I hurt for, the one I offered to do anything to make her feel better despite the fact that she had already thrown me over for this boy once before. Her total lack of sympathy wounded me. I haven't been this hurt by anything since my boyfriend cheated on me.

Out of my mind, I smashed three glass jars waiting for the recycling bin on the balcony. (I must get that from my mom) Fought the urge to put my hands down into it and see how much I could hold in my fists and how much it would cut. Even swept it up afterwards. Went to tall my other roommate not to walk barefoot out there for a couple days, and ended up smoking the rest of a pack of cigarettes outside.

I'm still trembling a little from last ngiht, still shocked at the way it turned out. It's difficult. I don't want to go to school or work or anything right now. I don't even know if I can make it through the day without crying.

Comments

[maldeluxx.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, said Blanche.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

thank you. muchly.

Re: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, said Blanche.

[maldeluxx.livejournal.com]

:-)

[seitvonzu.livejournal.com]

oof. roommates are beasts, really. you have certainly been upgraded to needed an ice cream sundae and maybe some mashed potatoes.
do go to school, hopefully something delightful will happen :)

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

school was nice. just for being school I suppose. I did make it to class, even through the beastly traffic.

potatos and ice cream sound so good.

[seitvonzu.livejournal.com]

today my parents surprised me by making it my birthday and instead of the normal, "buy some clothes , we'll pay" i got a kitchen-aid mixer-- i'm dying to whip up something!!!!

roommates and traffic in the same day is NOT something that i would wish on anyone :)

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yay, kitchen appliance! Those are so much fun.

[crichton.livejournal.com]

not a very empathetic roommate. i know i couldn't deal with that kind of situation. best wishes.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I'm beginning to notice that, and it breaks my heart. I think it will take all the self control and will I have to handle this without doing something drastic.

aw

[dragonflychey.livejournal.com]

That is really low of your roommate. I'm so sorry that happened. I hope things get better for you. Take care. Hugs!
Chey

Re: aw

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who thinks so.

[doctorgogol.livejournal.com]

My dear empress, if I could send you a replacement bottle of that lovely wine to soothe your heart, I would. Alas, all I can say is that your memory of that summer will outlast any vintage you will ever taste. ~hugs~

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Dear Doctor Gogol, protector of the Vast Western Territories, your words are kind and wise. (We shall definitely have to raise your salary.) Thank you. I only wish that the beautiful haiku inscribed postcards I chose had made their way to the desert from across the sea.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

My greatest fear about living with people was that I would grow to hate them or they would turn on me. I fear now, more than ever.

I have been thinking about you too. I put your and Brigitte's names in the prayer book at church. I hope you're doing alright.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I miss fencing. That took out a lot of my tension. Nothing like pounding on your hapless TA at 10 in the morning, chasing him across the gym with a saber. Hah!

Trying very hard to take the high road with her. It's vexing when she seems to sink lower and lower. I mena, who steals someone's razor? That's so lame. Gah.

[day.livejournal.com]

*hugs* roommates suck. When I come to Texas for visitings/grad school tourings I'll beat her up for you, if you want. Cause I'm your friend that way.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Daina, that made me smile. The greatest test of friendship, will you beat the daylights out of somebody for your friend? For some reason I've always thought of that mentality as a peculiarly Mid-West, Southern thing. But maybe it's the same everywhere.

You're a super sweetheart. I'm looking forward to your visit to Texas one day.

[day.livejournal.com]

Heh. I occasionally lapse back into my Midwestern potentially white-trash roots, it's true.

If it makes you feel better, my temporary roommate was in our room using her cell phone to arrange pot selling deals while I was trying to read George Bernard Shaw. I was reading a play set in Bulgaria, which makes me think I should move their to teach as I would be a wealthy noblewomen named Raina courted by fine soldierly fellows, as opposed to living in flea ridden rooms with drug dealers. Though that scenario may be particular to this play and not, in fact, indicitive of Bulgaria as a whole.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

If my roommate starts dealing drugs, I will call the police. I could over look the occasional lapse into pot, but not dealing.

Bulgaria is a strange place. I once knew a girl who lived there. We should move there. Bulgarian is easier to learn than Russian, no pesky cases. I promise I'm a fairly sane roommate. :)

yes, let's run away together, be roommates, and speak beautiful languages

[day.livejournal.com]

Ah, but you see, in my new place of dwelling calling the police is grounds for automatic dismissal. Short of it being some life threatening emergency.

Gotta love co-op housing.

Re: yes, let's run away together, be roommates, and speak beautiful languages

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

What? That is downright insane. Is that legal? Yuck.

I hate to say it, but I've never had a good impression of co-op housing. Everyone I've met in a co-op was dealing with a drug problem, a flea problem or a bathing problem. It's weird. Maybe I only meet the odd ones.

Re: yes, let's run away together, be roommates, and speak beautiful languages

[day.livejournal.com]

It seems the co-ops attract those types, unfortunately. While the majority of people I've met in my house seem ok and normalish it only takes maybe ten out of the 80 people to ruin things.

And to be fair, under my impression, most of the population of college campuses seem to have drug issues. Though this could be distorted due to living in Berkeley.

So, yes, housing when a po' college student is a horrid horrid thing. As we both demonstrate :)