In which I am all introspective, sort of

[threeplusfire]

I quit therapy some months back because it just made me resentful. Resentful of having to go, having to prove how damaged I am so I can receive a paper certificate affirming my existence is recognized, resentful because I leave therapy with realizations that prompt a lot of anger and grief and then I have to live with that. So I'm taking a break from therapy. But I try to apply a certain relentless examination to things.

On the heels of my "you don't have to do everything exactly the way you did as a child" realization comes another one. Possibly totally ridiculous and petty, but that is how it is. So I have this neighbor, who washes his car way too often and blasts his car stereo and home stereo at times with the annoying, slightly arrhythmic bass beat of rap music I don't like. I had one of those stupid lightbulb moments the other day when I realized that I get so irrationally enraged by hearing even the faintest bass beat because -

It reminds me of my sister.

Once that knowledge all slid into place I felt relieved. Maybe even less annoyed. Which is a feat, given how furious my anger is so often. But now I know and now I can try to stop subconsciously associating my neighbor with my sister. That will probably be good for my blood pressure.

Comments

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I think perhaps my anger about therapy comes from a slightly different place. AS a transgender person, I have to go to therapy and have someone diagnose me as a certain kind of crazy before I could actually take other steps towards resolving this in my life. If I wanted to take hormones or seriously work on transitioning from female to male, my options are either to go to therapy and be certified as a crazy enough to deserve treatment or to seek out quasi illegal/under the table resources/doctors who don't care at all and might not have my best interests in mind over the amount of money I could pay. Not to mention I wouldn't be able to take care of any of the legal paperwork.

It is sort of ironic as at this point in time I feel saner and more together than I ever have. Certainly less depressed.

I recognize that therapy has value and can do good things. It's not even the work that bothers me so much, because I've certainly put myself through enough hard things. I'm just in a place where I'm angry that I have to "prove" myself to a therapist to do what I need to do for myself.