In which I am all introspective, sort of

[threeplusfire]

I quit therapy some months back because it just made me resentful. Resentful of having to go, having to prove how damaged I am so I can receive a paper certificate affirming my existence is recognized, resentful because I leave therapy with realizations that prompt a lot of anger and grief and then I have to live with that. So I'm taking a break from therapy. But I try to apply a certain relentless examination to things.

On the heels of my "you don't have to do everything exactly the way you did as a child" realization comes another one. Possibly totally ridiculous and petty, but that is how it is. So I have this neighbor, who washes his car way too often and blasts his car stereo and home stereo at times with the annoying, slightly arrhythmic bass beat of rap music I don't like. I had one of those stupid lightbulb moments the other day when I realized that I get so irrationally enraged by hearing even the faintest bass beat because -

It reminds me of my sister.

Once that knowledge all slid into place I felt relieved. Maybe even less annoyed. Which is a feat, given how furious my anger is so often. But now I know and now I can try to stop subconsciously associating my neighbor with my sister. That will probably be good for my blood pressure.

Comments

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

I totally know what you mean when sometimes putting a piece of the puzzle together makes you realize how you are reacting to the world around you in codified ways from your childhood. And then once you know it is easier to stop or at least grab hold of yourself.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I didn't think about how much of this stuff I was still carrying around, even though I've cut my mother and sister out of my life. Realizing that is a relief because now I can at least try to get away from it.

[horosha.livejournal.com]

I've had strange experiences with therapy over the years. I've quit three times, only later to realize each time it ended with me getting to a plateau my therapist couldn't help me with. For a while, I thought I was just a tough nut to crack, and while that's partially true, looking back I think I just wasn't ready--emotionally or mentally--to confront the Big Skeletons on the closet. I'd gotten fairly decent at dealing with the little ones, reached some point of contentment. Wasn't that enough? What else was there but more suffering?

I'm really glad I started going again last year, though. My whole outlook on life has changed, and it wasn't because I had an amazing therapist--although that helped--or even because I'd found some new miracle strategy. Rather, I was finally ready to do the work and suffer through it because I know I don't just want this, I need it if I'm ever going to get to the places I want to be in my life. And lord does it suck. Today's session wore me out worse than any gym. But it felt good, too, because I know I'm at least trying to do the things I need to do.

This is my roundabout way of saying that I hope you're doing the same in your life right now: doing what's best for yourself and taking care of your own needs. Therapy (particularly when it comes to old-fashioned styles of therapy) isn't for everyone, but if along with that resentment you felt you were making steps in the right direction, well, I hope you feel confident enough to go back, or at least try someone new.

(If I sound like a nag, I apologize. I only bring this up so directly because I care and your mental health is as important to me as your emotional and physical.)

Anyway, sounds like quite the puzzle. I know what you mean about feeling relieved when previously missing pieces suddenly slide into place. It's like the universe granting you a gift of unity where before you'd done nothing with chaos. I hope the blood pressure stays low :)

<3

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I think perhaps my anger about therapy comes from a slightly different place. AS a transgender person, I have to go to therapy and have someone diagnose me as a certain kind of crazy before I could actually take other steps towards resolving this in my life. If I wanted to take hormones or seriously work on transitioning from female to male, my options are either to go to therapy and be certified as a crazy enough to deserve treatment or to seek out quasi illegal/under the table resources/doctors who don't care at all and might not have my best interests in mind over the amount of money I could pay. Not to mention I wouldn't be able to take care of any of the legal paperwork.

It is sort of ironic as at this point in time I feel saner and more together than I ever have. Certainly less depressed.

I recognize that therapy has value and can do good things. It's not even the work that bothers me so much, because I've certainly put myself through enough hard things. I'm just in a place where I'm angry that I have to "prove" myself to a therapist to do what I need to do for myself.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

Our diagnostic culture is so screwed up I get mad at situations like this. It's a game we have to play to get the benefits and it's like...are we not already vulnerable enough being in therapy? Without the labels?

That is awesome about figuring out your neighbor. I have been in that situation and ended up becoming really good friends with this person I'd HATED BEYOND ALL MEASURE. It blew my mind. And for me it helped to picture some positive sides of my dad, through this person, when I'd been so mired in the negative - that's all I'd been willing to see for a while.

It seems that you are doing just great and doing well by yourself.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this entire issue of insurance coding and diagnosis really gets my goat at times.

I feel like I can let my knee jerk rage go on this one. It is refreshing.

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

I'm a big fan of the phrase, "If it's hysterical, it's historical."

Glad to hear you're working through some things.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I like that phrase.

If it wasn't the sort of stuff that causes my blood pressure to go up and makes it hard to sleep, I would say the process of picking apart the threads that formed into habits is fun and fascinating. As it is, it is exhausting. But good I think.