In which I am all introspective, sort of
Apr. 14th, 2011 08:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threeplusfireI quit therapy some months back because it just made me resentful. Resentful of having to go, having to prove how damaged I am so I can receive a paper certificate affirming my existence is recognized, resentful because I leave therapy with realizations that prompt a lot of anger and grief and then I have to live with that. So I'm taking a break from therapy. But I try to apply a certain relentless examination to things.
On the heels of my "you don't have to do everything exactly the way you did as a child" realization comes another one. Possibly totally ridiculous and petty, but that is how it is. So I have this neighbor, who washes his car way too often and blasts his car stereo and home stereo at times with the annoying, slightly arrhythmic bass beat of rap music I don't like. I had one of those stupid lightbulb moments the other day when I realized that I get so irrationally enraged by hearing even the faintest bass beat because -
It reminds me of my sister.
Once that knowledge all slid into place I felt relieved. Maybe even less annoyed. Which is a feat, given how furious my anger is so often. But now I know and now I can try to stop subconsciously associating my neighbor with my sister. That will probably be good for my blood pressure.
On the heels of my "you don't have to do everything exactly the way you did as a child" realization comes another one. Possibly totally ridiculous and petty, but that is how it is. So I have this neighbor, who washes his car way too often and blasts his car stereo and home stereo at times with the annoying, slightly arrhythmic bass beat of rap music I don't like. I had one of those stupid lightbulb moments the other day when I realized that I get so irrationally enraged by hearing even the faintest bass beat because -
It reminds me of my sister.
Once that knowledge all slid into place I felt relieved. Maybe even less annoyed. Which is a feat, given how furious my anger is so often. But now I know and now I can try to stop subconsciously associating my neighbor with my sister. That will probably be good for my blood pressure.
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no subject
Date: 2011-04-15 02:20 pm (UTC)That is awesome about figuring out your neighbor. I have been in that situation and ended up becoming really good friends with this person I'd HATED BEYOND ALL MEASURE. It blew my mind. And for me it helped to picture some positive sides of my dad, through this person, when I'd been so mired in the negative - that's all I'd been willing to see for a while.
It seems that you are doing just great and doing well by yourself.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-15 07:32 pm (UTC)I feel like I can let my knee jerk rage go on this one. It is refreshing.