(no subject)

The time changes confuses me, and I would have stayed in bed except for the nightmare. I dreamed about shooting two people. So vividly I'm still a little sick feeling and my hands shake on the keyboard. It was first person but I still felt like I wasn't quite there, just watching myself load the gun. Six shiny bullets in the .45. I shot the woman in the back, and the man three times. I remember carefully wiping down the gun. The whole scene was shadowy and terrible. I just want to get out of the house now befor eI start having a panic attack over the dream.

(no subject)

I am going to wash my face, and walk down the street to buy cigarettes. Then I will sit beside the pool and read my government. There is nothing else I can do right now.

the best friend a girl like me could have

I should have been studying. But it was nicer to go to Keith's and listen to him speak in his beautiful Russian voice. We watched X-Files, which was gruesome and confusing. Damn Krychek. One of the better episodes of the season. It's silly but every time Scully tears up so do I.

We talked for a long time, one of those conversations that only ends because the other person is falling asleep on the futon. He gives good advice, always in Russian, a mix of sayings and whatever it is he is trying to show me. He has this amazing desire for honesty, and this wealth of experience so lacking in my relatively young life. He was the first friend I've made at UT last has stuck around (almost two years now since I asked him how to say machine gun on the first day of class, since the day I stood up in class, told him to go to hell and ran out, since the day I cried and told him how the world collapsed), someone I took up with outside of school or social structures that might throw us together.

Most importantly, he made me think tonight. About the world, about people and about myself. About how I've let myself fall into these patterns in my life, in my relationships, in my head. About how that is most likely going to keep going on unless I decide to change it. About what I want to change it to. About what I want. The best friends you can have make you think and let you cry.