why do you do this?

My father just called to complain about my mother, saying how stupid she was, etc. At eight in the morning too! I said, "Please Dad I don't want to talk about it like that, it's hard for me to hear." And then he just hung up on me.

What the fuck is wrong with my parents? Why can't they act like adults? No, this divorce is not easier on me since I'm older. All it means is that my parents have no shame is speaking in front of me.

I do not want this I do not want this I do not want this
I want out of here, I want away from here

do you know that song? the one that goes...

she dreams in digital
cause it's better than nothing
now that control is gone
it's so unreal
she's dreaming in digital

get out of my way or I might shove
get out of my way or I'm gonna shove

I got the peace of mind of a killer's soul

I want to live
I want to love
but it's a long hard road out of hell

touching me, changing me

waiting
for you
all my sins I said that I would pay for them
if I could
come back
to you
all my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming

goodbye dad

I tried to speak to my father this afternoon. I ignored one of my most important rules: never assume anyone is rational. God. I tried to very calmly explain my position to him, but it all exploded in my face. He started yelling about how immature I am, how I can't handle the real world, etc, etc.

Well fuck you. Fuck you. You don't know a damn thing about my life for the past couple of years. I started with nothing, being thrown out of the house. I worked a full time job in the middle of the night for two years and put myself through college with good grades all by myself. You didn't give me a damn thing, financial, emotional or otherwise. You don't know anything about me Dad. I thought we had a relationship that you cared about, but it just seems I'm one more uppity female in your life. No, I will not let it just roll off me. I don't have to listen to your rage.

Fuck you. How can you say these things to me? I should be proud. I've survived more than most people ever have to deal with. I came from a coma in the ICU, barely alive, to where I am now. I am a senior, with a high GPA, about to go on a prestigious summer program at one of the oldest universities in the world. I have a car, and I pay my bills on time each month. In four years I moved so far, and no one can take that away from me. I can deal, no matter what you or anyone else thinks. I am not afraid anymore.

I'm so angry and so hurt. I never expected my father of all people in my immediate family to turn on me like this. It's obvious I can't continue speaking to him for the time being. *sigh* My family has just crumbled in the space of a few months.

the happier things

Calhoun apparently has a rat problem. Some rats were stealing chocolates from a professor's office, and maintenance set traps in the ceilings. Professor L. tol dme that on Friday night, the rat who usually scurried through the wall past his office got caught in the trap. Unfortunately it crushed the rat's skull, and it was there all weekend. So Professor L. had blood all over the place and the smell of dead rat. When I was in there today, it still smelled of industrial strength disinfectant. I watched him dust his office for a little while after my Czech exam. (Which Professor P. says I passed quite well already!) We talked about madness and journal articles. Perhaps the most sane, comfortable, enjoyable conversation I've had all week. This is why I like him. He talks to me and somehow it is different from everything else in my life.

Tomorrow we're having a little Czech party with cookies and kolaches. Yum. Professor C. invited me to the end of semester Czech drinking party Saturday night, so I suppose I will go and watch my professors drink & debate the number of Czech words for shit or some other sociolinguistic nonsense. I love these parties.

Two more exams and then I'm done with the semester. Still debating if I should take the optional astronomy final next week. I really don't want to, but it could possibly help my grade a little. I wonder if the grades for tomorrow's exam will be posted by Tuesday? Who knows. It's scantron, so it should be easy but the TAs procrastinate often. Deb and I decided we will celebrate the end of semester with Chinese food and Amy's ice cream. Last time we went, I had the most wonderful almond ice cream with chocolate chunks crushed in.