Gray.
I wonder about the sky. I've spent my afternoon eating sushi and reading a magazine while watching the Law & Order marathon. This morning I spent cleaning, and taking showers. I resisted the temptations to buy extra soap at the soap store sale. My firmness of resolve made me feel virtuous for about five minutes and then I was sad. My arms are bothering me. I banged the hell out of the right one this afternoon.
The other day I admitted to a friend that I never answer my phone anymore. I feel bad about that at times. There's a lot of my life that has slipped backwards in the past year. I haven't been there for people, I've been distant and I know I've made some mistakes.
Being married has been harder than expected, for reasons big and small. the hardest thing in my life is set these boundaries both here in my waking world. There are things I would talk about, but I'm painfully conscious of the readership of this journal at times. This is my internet journal, where my ex, my grandparents or my neighbors could read about my life. I've written a lot of private entries this year, because I can't come to terms with anyone else reading them.
One of the most difficult realizations for me this year was that there is a part of my life that needs to stay between my husband and myself, that we have things to be kept in the family so to speak. I think I made a huge mistake this year involving another person in the events, because I think it's caused a lot of hurt feelings all around. Some of them are valid and some of them are the result of incredibly childish behaviour but I don't know how to fix any of it. This thing has weighed heavily on my mind in the past few months because I worry about how it's changed things for all of us.
I don't pick up the phone because sometimes I don't know what to say. Everything is so grey.
Earlier this year, I tried to do something. I threw an online party of sorts, and no one came. I was so miserable about the entire thing that I just stopped talking to anyone at all. It's absurd for the internet to hurt my feelings, but it did. I feel like a total loser and a jackass for admitting that at all.
While I'm being miserable over the internet let me complain a bit. I can't stand it when people use made up words like "yr" and claim it's some feminist strike against the language. That's just moronic. I alos dislike the made up pronoun "zie" because it's just a lame attempt to make a short cut. English is already such a neutral damn language, do we really need to make up a neutral pronoun when you can use some words that already exist? Ugh.
I also hate it when people post crap in communities like "Sigh up for some credit card so I can pretend this scam will give me a free iPod!"
But on a brighter note kinky Friedman is trying to get on the ballot for the next governor election in Texas. Elect him and he will deport those god damned health freak weirdo Californians who are trying to ruin our state, and he will invade Oklahoma!
Vote Kinky 2006! Seriously, why the hell not?
