(no subject)
Jan. 2nd, 2005 07:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threeplusfireGray.
I wonder about the sky. I've spent my afternoon eating sushi and reading a magazine while watching the Law & Order marathon. This morning I spent cleaning, and taking showers. I resisted the temptations to buy extra soap at the soap store sale. My firmness of resolve made me feel virtuous for about five minutes and then I was sad. My arms are bothering me. I banged the hell out of the right one this afternoon.
The other day I admitted to a friend that I never answer my phone anymore. I feel bad about that at times. There's a lot of my life that has slipped backwards in the past year. I haven't been there for people, I've been distant and I know I've made some mistakes.
Being married has been harder than expected, for reasons big and small. the hardest thing in my life is set these boundaries both here in my waking world. There are things I would talk about, but I'm painfully conscious of the readership of this journal at times. This is my internet journal, where my ex, my grandparents or my neighbors could read about my life. I've written a lot of private entries this year, because I can't come to terms with anyone else reading them.
One of the most difficult realizations for me this year was that there is a part of my life that needs to stay between my husband and myself, that we have things to be kept in the family so to speak. I think I made a huge mistake this year involving another person in the events, because I think it's caused a lot of hurt feelings all around. Some of them are valid and some of them are the result of incredibly childish behaviour but I don't know how to fix any of it. This thing has weighed heavily on my mind in the past few months because I worry about how it's changed things for all of us.
I don't pick up the phone because sometimes I don't know what to say. Everything is so grey.
Earlier this year, I tried to do something. I threw an online party of sorts, and no one came. I was so miserable about the entire thing that I just stopped talking to anyone at all. It's absurd for the internet to hurt my feelings, but it did. I feel like a total loser and a jackass for admitting that at all.
While I'm being miserable over the internet let me complain a bit. I can't stand it when people use made up words like "yr" and claim it's some feminist strike against the language. That's just moronic. I alos dislike the made up pronoun "zie" because it's just a lame attempt to make a short cut. English is already such a neutral damn language, do we really need to make up a neutral pronoun when you can use some words that already exist? Ugh.
I also hate it when people post crap in communities like "Sigh up for some credit card so I can pretend this scam will give me a free iPod!"
But on a brighter note kinky Friedman is trying to get on the ballot for the next governor election in Texas. Elect him and he will deport those god damned health freak weirdo Californians who are trying to ruin our state, and he will invade Oklahoma! Vote Kinky 2006! Seriously, why the hell not?
I wonder about the sky. I've spent my afternoon eating sushi and reading a magazine while watching the Law & Order marathon. This morning I spent cleaning, and taking showers. I resisted the temptations to buy extra soap at the soap store sale. My firmness of resolve made me feel virtuous for about five minutes and then I was sad. My arms are bothering me. I banged the hell out of the right one this afternoon.
The other day I admitted to a friend that I never answer my phone anymore. I feel bad about that at times. There's a lot of my life that has slipped backwards in the past year. I haven't been there for people, I've been distant and I know I've made some mistakes.
Being married has been harder than expected, for reasons big and small. the hardest thing in my life is set these boundaries both here in my waking world. There are things I would talk about, but I'm painfully conscious of the readership of this journal at times. This is my internet journal, where my ex, my grandparents or my neighbors could read about my life. I've written a lot of private entries this year, because I can't come to terms with anyone else reading them.
One of the most difficult realizations for me this year was that there is a part of my life that needs to stay between my husband and myself, that we have things to be kept in the family so to speak. I think I made a huge mistake this year involving another person in the events, because I think it's caused a lot of hurt feelings all around. Some of them are valid and some of them are the result of incredibly childish behaviour but I don't know how to fix any of it. This thing has weighed heavily on my mind in the past few months because I worry about how it's changed things for all of us.
I don't pick up the phone because sometimes I don't know what to say. Everything is so grey.
Earlier this year, I tried to do something. I threw an online party of sorts, and no one came. I was so miserable about the entire thing that I just stopped talking to anyone at all. It's absurd for the internet to hurt my feelings, but it did. I feel like a total loser and a jackass for admitting that at all.
While I'm being miserable over the internet let me complain a bit. I can't stand it when people use made up words like "yr" and claim it's some feminist strike against the language. That's just moronic. I alos dislike the made up pronoun "zie" because it's just a lame attempt to make a short cut. English is already such a neutral damn language, do we really need to make up a neutral pronoun when you can use some words that already exist? Ugh.
I also hate it when people post crap in communities like "Sigh up for some credit card so I can pretend this scam will give me a free iPod!"
But on a brighter note kinky Friedman is trying to get on the ballot for the next governor election in Texas. Elect him and he will deport those god damned health freak weirdo Californians who are trying to ruin our state, and he will invade Oklahoma! Vote Kinky 2006! Seriously, why the hell not?
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-02 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 05:53 am (UTC)I keep hoping therapy will somehow help.
I am profoundly sorry about what's happened. I feel as if I put everyone in an unfair position.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 06:54 am (UTC)The one thing you should always remember is that I am ALWAYS here for you if you need me. I doubt this small exchange will change anything, since your friendship with me seems to have already been sacrificed to the ego and hurt pride of someone who should have been the one to apologize to not only you, but to the rest of the people who care about you and have watched with dismay and worry as you float away from us.
I am profoundly sorry as well, because you deserve so much more than you ever let yourself have.
And the only one that you have put into an unfair position is you, little princess. There's nothing sadder to me than that.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 07:20 am (UTC)I'm sorry. I am.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 07:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-02 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 06:49 am (UTC)Everything is so Grey
Date: 2005-01-02 11:39 pm (UTC)I don't answer the phone at home, generally. It's not gonna be for me. I rarely answer my cel-phone because if it's a number I don't recognize, they can leave a message. I hate talking on the phone. The phone is a tool. I don't chat. I transmit or accept information. But after years of being like this, most people around me understand this.
The part that concerns me is the "Everything is so grey" comment. I talked with my doctor, years ago now, about depression after realizing that I wasn't "depressed" so much as apathetic. I'd specifically chosen to abjure the highs and lows of an emotionally unstable lifepath, but after too many years in that grey rut, I had lost the way out. It's a condition I still fight on a daily basis. If this greyness is spilling out and leeching the color from your life, you might wanna look at ways to deal with it... For me, I'm convinced it's the introduction, the fostering of one of more passions.
As to the online party... I've hosted a couple of thematic chat sessions for things before and had noone come. Some were even advertised in some special forums and everything... certainly a not a high-point of my life, neither.
Getting married does change your relationships with everyone else. Do you know what you're expecting of others now? Do you know what they're expecting of you? Do they know these things too?
Sorry for the rant. But if you need an ear/reader, sometimes the distant, folks who aren't really a part of your circle can be a good choice. For you, I'd be willing to do that.
Re: Everything is so Grey
Date: 2005-01-03 06:52 am (UTC)Thank you for the thoughtful response.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 06:17 pm (UTC)maybe i am just making that up hell i don't speak german
i have been an asshole today too
it must be in the water
hang in there
no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-03 09:19 pm (UTC)We've been married a little over a year now. Strange how fast that has gone.