blow out the candles

It feels like autumn for the first time today, the real change. Even though the angle of the sunlight shifted weeks ago, and this October has been much cooler than last year. But today it was the light, the pattern of clouds and the sight of a single leaf drifting down that brought it home. It wasn't autumn this morning. It is now.

Not having a functional relationship with a person doesn't prevent you from having to deal with grief when they die. I keep thinking about how these are the first things that my father won't exist for, that something about the foundations of my existence are rockier now. Like when James died last year, and I thought about how I was the only one now living to carry certain memories.

It's fucked up and weird. I am more depressed than I would like to admit to being, and it is made worse by how everyone sees a functional, responsible adult when I feel anything but that.

Today I did my best to be a productive human being. I picked out our pumpkin at last, a nice perfect orange. I bought groceries. I went crazy and got my Yuletide candy swap purchased and sent today even though we just got our assignments this morning. Also mailed a box of candy, Franklin's espresso barbecue sauce and pecans to my friend in England that I've meant to send for awhile.

Sunday I start a new job. It's a seasonal retail thing. I hope the scheduling won't suck too much. I'm very anxious about it.