tense much?

[threeplusfire]

I have a mild fear of crowds that can fluctuate wildly. Knowing this, the decision to go to the grocery store the night before the Super Bowl was a very bad one.

It was horribly crowded and I had a cart to hold all the vegetables and cake things. I chose the least crowded aisle to go up. At the end, a girl was blocking the path with her cart, waiting in line. There was room for me to pass if she would shift a few inches one way or the other. I made eye contact and politely said "Excuse me, I need to get by."

She looked directly at me, and then walked away. Walked away like she hadn't noticed me at all, to look at magazines. I completely lost my temper and called her a bitch, then moved her cart myself. The entire time all she did was glance at me with an utterly blank expression.

I will not take that from people I know, much less strangers. Perhaps I was out of line in bellowing an obscenity at her, but it punched an awful button in me. I felt sick to my stomach the entire time I was in HEB.

Hiding at home now to recover my balance. I hate losing control in such a fashion. Ever since my car was broken into, I've felt a lot more unnecessary unease and tension. Every time I walk out to my car, I worry I'll see another broken window. I worry about getting mugged, despite my only experience with that being overseas. It's irritating, and I need to work through it soon.

Edited to add:

I'm not the only one. Alan ran to Walmart to pick up a bundt pan for me and stuff for tomatillo salsa. Inside there were only 5 registers open, and dozens of people in line for each one. A manager walked by, and Alan lit into him. He asked the manager why he couldn't open a register. The manager replied in a shocked tone that he was busy managing thing. Alan's reply? "Well you're doing a shit job of that, aren't you?" Other customers were getting involved, and sensing a riot, the little manager ran off to open more registers. Hah! Cate, he picked a fight with a manager in Walmart! We are officially Texas white trash now! Hahaha.

Comments

[rm.livejournal.com]

Superbowl Texas style must be quite a thing to behold. Comically I will be in Hoboken auditioning for the Vagina Monologues -- actually, if all goes well with that and my later audition I should be home for it, but still it seems like a good story.

And I think the car things and your reactions to it make sense -- and you are working them out if you're even able to make that connection. Between the car and the thing with your bathroom pipes you've been short on safe space lately. And I would have bitched out HEB girl too. (I still say "heeb" in my mind, it's awful).

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It's insane in Houston, from all I hear.

Knowing is half the step, I just need the other piece now. So much frustration. Sometimes I hate psychology.

Heeb! Hahaha. I love that. Yeah, I imagine your reaction would have been about like mine.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Now I want to find you a tacky Jew-culture kitschy shirt that actually says "Heeb" like in the Coke type-face or something.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahah!

Re:

[rm.livejournal.com]

They make 'em. This could happen. And I bet the folks and NYC ICY could even tell me where to get one.

Re:

[feu-de-fripe.livejournal.com]

you can always buy printer iron on transfer paper and make it yourself
those things are fun
that way you can put it on whatever kind of shirt you want

[a311renegade.livejournal.com]

Hmm... fear of crowds... maybe you understand my SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) more than I thought you would...

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's difficult. I can't stand public speaking either. Eep! Before I worked at PcO I hardly talked to anyone at all.

Re:

[a311renegade.livejournal.com]

When I do public speaking, my mind goes into another reality. It is not pretty.

pcOrder was the first time I started to really know what was wrong with my thinking. I completely freaked out when Consultis made me the resource coordinator, then again when pcOrder hired me and made me supervisor. Ultimately, I managed the whole thing with daily anger and we all know how that went...

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Still, you were a good boss. I liked working for you, and I had a lot of respect for you. Especially with all the shit we put up with! You did a good job, even though the situation sucked. I've always been grateful for that.

Re:

[a311renegade.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that. It helps me to reinforce the fact that the way I see the world is not the way that the world sees me. :-)

And pcO management totally sucked!

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

FIRE!! :P

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's the greatest thing I've ever heard! I've always wanted to yell at a Wal-Mart manager for shit like that. Alan is my new hero!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, isn't so great? He is now a hero to all Walmart shoppers. :P

[feu-de-fripe.livejournal.com]

i think i would have called her a bitch too. first i would have said excuse me a second time in a rude manner, then called her a bitch and moved her cart.

you may have post traumatic stress.

i hate the grocery store too. when it is crowded i get edgy and in a hurry. i have to remind myself to be calm and let everyone else out first. if i see a long line i go play in the candle section or something

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

This is why I usually grocery shop after work. At 2am, the store is so much nicer.

I probably have a lot of weird PTSD reactions floating around in my head. More reminding myself to breathe in the months ahead.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

I dunno about white trash, but as if it were possible, I respect him more than I did before. Remind me to buy him a drink someday soon.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

:D

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

Haha!! Alan takes on the evil empire! Go! : )


p.s. I still have a little house for you to run away to, it's just bigger and further away now, but you always, always have it. ; )

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I can just picture you laughing. Alan is very pleased with himself.

ps: thank you, so much.