threeplusfire | (no subject)

Current Mood: hurting on the inside
Current Music: Throwing Muses, "Bright Yellow Gun"

(no subject)

I am going to wash my face, and walk down the street to buy cigarettes. Then I will sit beside the pool and read my government. There is nothing else I can do right now.

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.. hurting on the inside .. ? Why?

Many many reasons. I will try not to overwhelm you with a litany of complaints. Mostly because I've realized how trapped I've let myself be in patterns in my life. These bad situations keep repeating themselves, and probably will unless I decide to do something about it. It's frustration and sadness today, mostly because I've realized how terrible things are with my mother. How I can never have the kind of relationship with her that I want, unless some miracle happens. My family is a soap opera unto themselves. *sigh* I never did want to be normal, but this is pushing it. I am feeling a little better now, though I need some sleep.

I added you to my friends list after looking at your website. :)

I'm definately going to add you to my list. :> Overwhelm me all you want!!!!

I think "patterns" are "comfortable" ... and thats why we continue on the same path, making the groove deeper and deeper. I find myself pondering the same thing and others... like "how is it that I let myself become so afraid?". I have a sad situation with my mother, too. She always just wanted to have a "best friend" relationship w/ both her daughters but it will never happen. Now we don't talk and I hear she is dying with cancer. I miss her, yet, don't because of all the "luggage" she comes with which overwhelms me with stress. Not to mention that I have spent years in counseling trying to deal with it. I keep thinking "if only she would change" or "if only she would realize", etc. I had to break that chain of thought. Still an endless process.

Sometimes sleep can make things better. Somtimes not.

I'd like to talk to you more.

Sleep would help some, as long as I don't have nightmares about Communists again! Which has happened way too much this semester.

I have kind of the same issues with my mom. She wanted to my friend, or my boss or something all these years. The times when I needed her to be a mom as a I got older happened more often and she was less interested in doing that. I realized last night that I was never going too make her understand why I was upset. I think I'm just going to stop talking to my parents for awhile.

Did you have a good experience with the counseling? People have urged me to look into it.

Sometimes a break is good.

I loved it. Helped me realize that I was sane. I think if I hadn't gone to see her, I would have taken the wrong path (Sliding Doors). I'd be so messed up. Helped me realize characteristics that were gained from my home environment and how to break out of them. For that, I'm forever thankful. Its still a daily struggle to change. Trust has to be there, though. If you don't trust or like your counselor. Find another one. But, you have to give him/her a chance, too. I've heard horror stories from some people (Thats why I mentioned the above advice).

Heh, I have a couple good horror stories too. But it is heartening to hear from people who have had good experiences.

I'm sorry to hear that. :

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a lot of reasons

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