threeplusfire | (no subject)

Gray.

I wonder about the sky. I've spent my afternoon eating sushi and reading a magazine while watching the Law & Order marathon. This morning I spent cleaning, and taking showers. I resisted the temptations to buy extra soap at the soap store sale. My firmness of resolve made me feel virtuous for about five minutes and then I was sad. My arms are bothering me. I banged the hell out of the right one this afternoon.

The other day I admitted to a friend that I never answer my phone anymore. I feel bad about that at times. There's a lot of my life that has slipped backwards in the past year. I haven't been there for people, I've been distant and I know I've made some mistakes.

Being married has been harder than expected, for reasons big and small. the hardest thing in my life is set these boundaries both here in my waking world. There are things I would talk about, but I'm painfully conscious of the readership of this journal at times. This is my internet journal, where my ex, my grandparents or my neighbors could read about my life. I've written a lot of private entries this year, because I can't come to terms with anyone else reading them.

One of the most difficult realizations for me this year was that there is a part of my life that needs to stay between my husband and myself, that we have things to be kept in the family so to speak. I think I made a huge mistake this year involving another person in the events, because I think it's caused a lot of hurt feelings all around. Some of them are valid and some of them are the result of incredibly childish behaviour but I don't know how to fix any of it. This thing has weighed heavily on my mind in the past few months because I worry about how it's changed things for all of us.

I don't pick up the phone because sometimes I don't know what to say. Everything is so grey.

Earlier this year, I tried to do something. I threw an online party of sorts, and no one came. I was so miserable about the entire thing that I just stopped talking to anyone at all. It's absurd for the internet to hurt my feelings, but it did. I feel like a total loser and a jackass for admitting that at all.

While I'm being miserable over the internet let me complain a bit. I can't stand it when people use made up words like "yr" and claim it's some feminist strike against the language. That's just moronic. I alos dislike the made up pronoun "zie" because it's just a lame attempt to make a short cut. English is already such a neutral damn language, do we really need to make up a neutral pronoun when you can use some words that already exist? Ugh.

I also hate it when people post crap in communities like "Sigh up for some credit card so I can pretend this scam will give me a free iPod!"

But on a brighter note kinky Friedman is trying to get on the ballot for the next governor election in Texas. Elect him and he will deport those god damned health freak weirdo Californians who are trying to ruin our state, and he will invade Oklahoma! Vote Kinky 2006! Seriously, why the hell not?

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You know, I have a lot I want to say about this...but every time I try to write something I either get incredibly angry or upset. It's hard watching someone disappear just so they can keep secrets. I'm sorry that any strange sort of loyalty should be demonstrated by letting go of attachments to the people who care about you enough to speak up when something's amiss. My love for you has never changed and it will not. I'm always here when you need me and I won't apologize to anyone for caring about you and being concerned about your wellbeing...not even to you.

I didn't intend to let go of attachments as this autumn progressed. A huge part of it is that I don't know what to say, or what to do. He's angry because he feels like he was judged unfairly, and I don't have any kind of rebuttal other than I think his behaviour is childish in the extreme. So far we haven't gotten past that point on the subject.

I keep hoping therapy will somehow help.

I am profoundly sorry about what's happened. I feel as if I put everyone in an unfair position.

You're right. His behavior is childish in the extreme...because he was NEVER judged. I NEVER made it about me vs. him. NEVER. It was always about you and what you deserved, what you still deserve. But hey, this way the next time anything similar happens, you're isolated even more because of this whole "keep it in the family" thing.

The one thing you should always remember is that I am ALWAYS here for you if you need me. I doubt this small exchange will change anything, since your friendship with me seems to have already been sacrificed to the ego and hurt pride of someone who should have been the one to apologize to not only you, but to the rest of the people who care about you and have watched with dismay and worry as you float away from us.

I am profoundly sorry as well, because you deserve so much more than you ever let yourself have.

And the only one that you have put into an unfair position is you, little princess. There's nothing sadder to me than that.

I've been so silent because I was terrifed I would make these situations worse. I wasn't trying to sacrifice this friendship, I was trying to figure out how to fix things or at least prevent them from going completely to hell. Every time I spoke to anyone things got worse and I was sick of feeling as if I was making things worse.

I'm sorry. I am.

Yeah, me too...but probably for much different reasons.

He's better than Rick Perry. :)

No doubt!

First off, I know we're an internet-only kinda relationship, here, so take my words however you like, but maybe a chunk of salt is necessary.

I don't answer the phone at home, generally. It's not gonna be for me. I rarely answer my cel-phone because if it's a number I don't recognize, they can leave a message. I hate talking on the phone. The phone is a tool. I don't chat. I transmit or accept information. But after years of being like this, most people around me understand this.

The part that concerns me is the "Everything is so grey" comment. I talked with my doctor, years ago now, about depression after realizing that I wasn't "depressed" so much as apathetic. I'd specifically chosen to abjure the highs and lows of an emotionally unstable lifepath, but after too many years in that grey rut, I had lost the way out. It's a condition I still fight on a daily basis. If this greyness is spilling out and leeching the color from your life, you might wanna look at ways to deal with it... For me, I'm convinced it's the introduction, the fostering of one of more passions.

As to the online party... I've hosted a couple of thematic chat sessions for things before and had noone come. Some were even advertised in some special forums and everything... certainly a not a high-point of my life, neither.

Getting married does change your relationships with everyone else. Do you know what you're expecting of others now? Do you know what they're expecting of you? Do they know these things too?

Sorry for the rant. But if you need an ear/reader, sometimes the distant, folks who aren't really a part of your circle can be a good choice. For you, I'd be willing to do that.

The grey is more pointing towards being unable to draw a clear black and white line around issues in my life. I have spent so much time trying to all the various sides that it's become very hard for me to find absolutes. Without those touchstones, it's difficult to find the way.

Thank you for the thoughtful response.

I have a surprise to mail you for cheering up and happy new years. Send me your address? (mara@riseup.net)

i thought zie was a german pronoun meaning it

maybe i am just making that up hell i don't speak german

i have been an asshole today too
it must be in the water
hang in there

I think zie is German, else I am also in lala language land.

i also had watched the law and order fest. how long have you been married? the first year of my married life was so hard i never thought we would be together today.

You can never have too much Law & Order. I miss Lenny already.

We've been married a little over a year now. Strange how fast that has gone.

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Everything is so Grey

Re: Everything is so Grey

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