state of the union, so as it may be

[threeplusfire]

I've been thinking a lot about these concepts, both in how they've affected recent events in my own life and the lives of friends.

I was not prepared for how my life would change by making the decision to get married. I somewhat naively assumed things would continue on much the same, and it wouldn't really be different from living with someone or dating someone. In many respects, I don't feel that my life has changed overly much in some ways. But it clearly has changed, and it has changed in the way I look at things and my priorities.

I'm not one for ranking. I've never tried to create a hierarchy of friendships and relationships. I suppose if I absolutely had to I could make a list of people in my life and their levels. But mostly I've operated on the principle that I had a a few very close friends, some other good folk that I was comfortable with and a wider circle of acquaintances. I never really thought about it, and I use the term 'best friend' in relation to more than one person. Melynda will always be one of those people because I trust her like I trust no one else my age, and she frequently is the logic that tempers my emotional impulsiveness. Kevin is one of my oldest friends. We go months without speaking, but that affection never wavers and I can always rely on his analysis or insight. He is one of the most profoundly optimistic people I know, though he would never classify himself as such.

There has been a question raised recently about my hierarchies, and about my husband. There was an implied assumption that I place my husband above all others, and that I slighted my other friendships in doing so.

My concept of marriage has changed a lot over time, and even from the time I became engaged to Alan. What it is right now is that my marriage is the primary relationship in my life. I made the choice to have this one. I take my wedding vows quite seriously, and I believe in the concepts embodied by what I wrote. In the last lines, I stated I will go with you to the end of all things. I believe in those words. In my concept of marriage, you give everything you can give. Marriage is symbolic of the decision to commit utterly to another person. You are in it together, for the long roads. It's not a glorified relationship or cohabitation with fancy jewels. I believe strongly in the bond.

I chose to marry Alan, and I've made a choice to only be married once in my lifetime. I chose him to be the person I wanted to grow old with, the person I wanted at my side. I made that choice for many reasons and I won't apologize to anyone about it. I believe in that choice.

My husband is arguably the primary relationship in my life. On a day to day basis I don't think about that much, but it has been brought home to me quite forcefully in the past month. But I live with him, and to some extent his presence has an influence in all decisions. That's just how it works when you have joint insurance, buy groceries for two people and share a bathroom. Alan is, in the end, the most important person in my life because I made my choice. I don't make that distinction every day, and I don't talk about it. I love my friends and family, and they are all important to me. But if someone forces me to make a choice, that is what it is.

There is a perception that I have somehow lost myself in marriage, that I define myself exclusively by my marriage and that I have lost some intrinsic core of self. I can only say that this is not true. Things are different in my life at this time, and some of those differences are not things I might have chosen for myself. Yes, I have a husband. But he is not every waking moment of my day. To an extent in the past year I have socialized less, and I have not always been the greatest of friends. I did one friend a profound disservice by not being an adult and dealing with our relationship when I should. Alan and I have had some difficulties faced by other new spouses, and some problems that are our own. I have put a lot of my time and effort into dealing with those problems. It's been hard, downright brutal at times. At times I have involved other people more than I probably should have and it has caused unbearable friction in friendships I thought were rock solid.

I can only say that I am still myself. I still love Skvorecky and worlds beyond imagining. I am still passionate about things, I still have dreams. I have not had the time for a lot of things, and that has been frustrating. But it hardly does my own sense of decency any justice to imagine that I should blithely pursue my own fancies while my partner struggles. Yes, it has been frustrating at times not to just run around and make decisions on my own without regard for anyone else. However that is something I'm willing to deal with because I value this relationship. I haven't given up anything that is essentially me.

There was also the implication that by marrying a man I have denied some fundamental part of my sexuality. I'm not going to discuss my sex life in this post or my preferences. But that is complete and utter bullshit. I have never made any pretensions to be strictly hetrosexual or homosexual. I'm bisexual, and my choices have not ever been a denial of my sexuality. I have been forced to wonder if anyone would question my identity or my feminism if I had married a woman.

Someone accused me of rubbing my marriage in the faces of others. I think that is a baseless accusation. I don't only go out with Alan. More often than not I go out with my friends on my own. I don't make every topic of conversation my husband, and I don't play matchmaker with my single friends. I don't lord my status as a married woman over the heads of others as if it makes me somehow more important or wise. The only way I could possibly have done this is in not being more honest and forthright with my friend earlier about our romantic relationship. I was dating a person and I fell in love with someone else. I didn't do the honorable thing, or the right thing at the time. That was my mistake and part of a choice I made that I will pay for, to be sure.

My marriage is not perfect. I'm not going to discuss it here, because I don't think I need to do so. But we go forward, and Alan and I are capable of dealing with our issues. We love one another, and we go forward because that is what we do in our conception of marriage. I doubt we will ever be perfect people, or entirely free of our demons or flaws. All that truly matters in the end is that we love each other, and that we are both committed to spending out lives together.

If there is a problem, you are more than welcome to take it up with me, defriend me, whatever you want to do.

Comments

[siria.livejournal.com]

This is very well put, and I agree with you completely. And yet I think that marriage is a concept that might be difficult to grasp for some.

However, a few months ago a close friend of mine got engaged to be married to her boyfriend of three years. The thing is, before he started going out with her, he and I had this silly little thing of (I think) no more than a month. So their relationship from the very beginning had that sour aftertaste to it, at least for me. Not only was she spending an incredible amount of time with him rather than me, she was also dating someone I had not quite got over yet. Up until then I had been the one person she would confide in, the one person she'd call late at night when something was the matter, and now there was someone else in my place. And I felt betrayed. So I had various reasons to be jealous, which made it even more difficult for me to accept it. But they are engaged to be married now. And this is where my jealousy ends, because it is ridiculous compared to something that is supposed to never end unless someone dies. And now I see that he did not take my place to begin with, I'd just been sitting there with my luggage, using five seats at the same time.

I wish you all the best, Amanda.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That's a difficult situation. I know some friends have a sort of unspoken rule about dating exboyfriend or girlfriends to avoid tensions, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I sympathize, and admire your maturity about the situation.

Thank you Annika.