state of the union, so as it may be

[threeplusfire]

I've been thinking a lot about these concepts, both in how they've affected recent events in my own life and the lives of friends.

I was not prepared for how my life would change by making the decision to get married. I somewhat naively assumed things would continue on much the same, and it wouldn't really be different from living with someone or dating someone. In many respects, I don't feel that my life has changed overly much in some ways. But it clearly has changed, and it has changed in the way I look at things and my priorities.

I'm not one for ranking. I've never tried to create a hierarchy of friendships and relationships. I suppose if I absolutely had to I could make a list of people in my life and their levels. But mostly I've operated on the principle that I had a a few very close friends, some other good folk that I was comfortable with and a wider circle of acquaintances. I never really thought about it, and I use the term 'best friend' in relation to more than one person. Melynda will always be one of those people because I trust her like I trust no one else my age, and she frequently is the logic that tempers my emotional impulsiveness. Kevin is one of my oldest friends. We go months without speaking, but that affection never wavers and I can always rely on his analysis or insight. He is one of the most profoundly optimistic people I know, though he would never classify himself as such.

There has been a question raised recently about my hierarchies, and about my husband. There was an implied assumption that I place my husband above all others, and that I slighted my other friendships in doing so.

My concept of marriage has changed a lot over time, and even from the time I became engaged to Alan. What it is right now is that my marriage is the primary relationship in my life. I made the choice to have this one. I take my wedding vows quite seriously, and I believe in the concepts embodied by what I wrote. In the last lines, I stated I will go with you to the end of all things. I believe in those words. In my concept of marriage, you give everything you can give. Marriage is symbolic of the decision to commit utterly to another person. You are in it together, for the long roads. It's not a glorified relationship or cohabitation with fancy jewels. I believe strongly in the bond.

I chose to marry Alan, and I've made a choice to only be married once in my lifetime. I chose him to be the person I wanted to grow old with, the person I wanted at my side. I made that choice for many reasons and I won't apologize to anyone about it. I believe in that choice.

My husband is arguably the primary relationship in my life. On a day to day basis I don't think about that much, but it has been brought home to me quite forcefully in the past month. But I live with him, and to some extent his presence has an influence in all decisions. That's just how it works when you have joint insurance, buy groceries for two people and share a bathroom. Alan is, in the end, the most important person in my life because I made my choice. I don't make that distinction every day, and I don't talk about it. I love my friends and family, and they are all important to me. But if someone forces me to make a choice, that is what it is.

There is a perception that I have somehow lost myself in marriage, that I define myself exclusively by my marriage and that I have lost some intrinsic core of self. I can only say that this is not true. Things are different in my life at this time, and some of those differences are not things I might have chosen for myself. Yes, I have a husband. But he is not every waking moment of my day. To an extent in the past year I have socialized less, and I have not always been the greatest of friends. I did one friend a profound disservice by not being an adult and dealing with our relationship when I should. Alan and I have had some difficulties faced by other new spouses, and some problems that are our own. I have put a lot of my time and effort into dealing with those problems. It's been hard, downright brutal at times. At times I have involved other people more than I probably should have and it has caused unbearable friction in friendships I thought were rock solid.

I can only say that I am still myself. I still love Skvorecky and worlds beyond imagining. I am still passionate about things, I still have dreams. I have not had the time for a lot of things, and that has been frustrating. But it hardly does my own sense of decency any justice to imagine that I should blithely pursue my own fancies while my partner struggles. Yes, it has been frustrating at times not to just run around and make decisions on my own without regard for anyone else. However that is something I'm willing to deal with because I value this relationship. I haven't given up anything that is essentially me.

There was also the implication that by marrying a man I have denied some fundamental part of my sexuality. I'm not going to discuss my sex life in this post or my preferences. But that is complete and utter bullshit. I have never made any pretensions to be strictly hetrosexual or homosexual. I'm bisexual, and my choices have not ever been a denial of my sexuality. I have been forced to wonder if anyone would question my identity or my feminism if I had married a woman.

Someone accused me of rubbing my marriage in the faces of others. I think that is a baseless accusation. I don't only go out with Alan. More often than not I go out with my friends on my own. I don't make every topic of conversation my husband, and I don't play matchmaker with my single friends. I don't lord my status as a married woman over the heads of others as if it makes me somehow more important or wise. The only way I could possibly have done this is in not being more honest and forthright with my friend earlier about our romantic relationship. I was dating a person and I fell in love with someone else. I didn't do the honorable thing, or the right thing at the time. That was my mistake and part of a choice I made that I will pay for, to be sure.

My marriage is not perfect. I'm not going to discuss it here, because I don't think I need to do so. But we go forward, and Alan and I are capable of dealing with our issues. We love one another, and we go forward because that is what we do in our conception of marriage. I doubt we will ever be perfect people, or entirely free of our demons or flaws. All that truly matters in the end is that we love each other, and that we are both committed to spending out lives together.

If there is a problem, you are more than welcome to take it up with me, defriend me, whatever you want to do.

Comments

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

Well said, my dear. Well said.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :D
Next post will be more ranting, I swear.

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

This is only my opinion, mind you, but as I see it, when you get married, you stand up in front of God and your friends and everybody and state your primary bond for all the world to hear. That's what marriage is, a primary life partnership with another person, and I'm not too sure how a person would have a problem with that concept, unless you're talking to a person who has a problem with the basic concept of marriage itself.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I have to wonder if that is not a central issue to the problem. I think my friend and I have very different concepts of marriage.

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

It sounds that way.

[mollymoon.livejournal.com]

Obviously, I'm new to your flist and don't know all the details that led to this, but I just wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with having your primary relationship be with your spouse.

Of course one should choose (should it never come to that though) a spouse over friends and extended family. As you said, it is a commitment and should be honored as such. Too many people today see marriage as a thing to do, rather than a statement of being.

Marriage is a promise of love that transcends all promises that our "blood" may make for us. The only thing that should be stronger is the bond of mother to child.

I'm probably not making sense, but its because I value marriage, the idea that it embodies so much that I support what you say. That's also why I support the idea of gay marriage. Giving the same rights without the word itself is crazy, because they are somehow trying to say that one type of love is then less than another. Love is love, and a true promise of love knows no gender or legal boundaries.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Well, the only necessary fact of my world is that I live in the Twilight Zone! ;)

I dated my husband for several weeks before I got engaged, and we were married within six months. This after I spent six months telling people I would never ever get married. So I think there have been some longstanding concerns about my sanity. ;)

Oh, how dare you...

[geoectomy.livejournal.com]

How dare you view the vows of marriage as sacred. How dare you affirm your decision to define your primary relatiionship. What gave you the right? I mean, *really*.

*I* should be more important than your marriage. *I* should be the first thing you think of when you get up in the morning, hell, even before that! Dream of me! Let no silly declaration of marriage before your friends, family, God (if you so believe) and state come between your unfettered devotion to me!

Uh.... oops. That was my outside type again, wasn't it?

Re: Oh, how dare you...

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Well maybe you should be using that new icon of yours! Then I will dream about you. (I did dream about being kidnapped and taken to Canada the other night.)

This totally made my morning. :D

Re: Oh, how dare you...

[geoectomy.livejournal.com]

See! I Knew if I thought about it hard enough, I could ifluence your dreams! Come to Canada! We're almost ready to invade! Once we figure out those new passport restrictions...

Re: Oh, how dare you...

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! I'm a government employee now, so I can use my bureaucratic powers of mediocrity! (I really need a new passport, eek.)

[seitvonzu.livejournal.com]

i was wondering how you and alan were doing. i'm glad to hear you are beating out the honeymoon issues and deeply committed to each other- that's beautiful.

my father was a big traveller when i was growing up. our family was really two families-- family when dad was gone, family when dad was home. we sorta got used to the dad gone family, and sometimes it was really tough to deal with the way my mom would let dad run the show when he was around. i was raised with talk show voices, too. with other mothers that would say "i love my kids more than anything." one day my brother and i were bemoaning some disservice that was occuring due "family when dad was home" mode, "you love dad more than us!" we protested. "of course i do! he is my HUSBAND."

i was always taught that you put your husband first, above family/children/etc. you want your children to eventually have their own lives, and certainly you want your extended family to have their own lives...but your husband? that IS your life. because you chose it to be that way. i don't think of it as subservient or antifeminism or any of that jealous hogwash...how can it be if you CHOSE it?

all that to say- you are spot on, and i'm happy to read this! *hug*

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

You've raised a point that I've always wondered about, balancing between the love of the spouse and the kids. Because I'm not a very maternal person on some level, I have no idea how that would be done. Perhaps I am selfish person, but I do not want to share him! :P

I think that there is an assumption in some areas that putting your marriage first means you are neglecting other relationships. I don't see it as a mutually exclusive thing though.

And really, I spend more time lording my mixer over everyone than my marriage!

[mielikki.livejournal.com]

Eeeeeexcellent.

That is all.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thanks. More ranty goodness will be in store this week. :D

[jonqui.livejournal.com]

Hmm. You know, I never once had that reaction. That is to say, i never really thought you were loosing yourself in your relationship. Y'alls is a good one to model, actually. You are very much together, but you still have distinct existances and personalities.
And i never found you sickening to be around, not even during your love-dovey newly-engaged stage--did you ever even have a sickening love-dovey stage or was I asleep that week? I always considered you and Alan to be rather low-key in that respect.

There will always be someone bitching about the choices you make in your life, to your face if you're lucky, especially with the large network you've built for yourself on lj. But your life is your own. The only this that matters is that you believe in the choices you've made.

Sorry if none of this is every coherant; it's been a pretty ick few days for me and i just woke up.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Well, I am glad to hear that it has never made you uncomfortable. I guess you missed the giddy week or two right after got engaged where we were sickeningly sweet. :P

[siria.livejournal.com]

This is very well put, and I agree with you completely. And yet I think that marriage is a concept that might be difficult to grasp for some.

However, a few months ago a close friend of mine got engaged to be married to her boyfriend of three years. The thing is, before he started going out with her, he and I had this silly little thing of (I think) no more than a month. So their relationship from the very beginning had that sour aftertaste to it, at least for me. Not only was she spending an incredible amount of time with him rather than me, she was also dating someone I had not quite got over yet. Up until then I had been the one person she would confide in, the one person she'd call late at night when something was the matter, and now there was someone else in my place. And I felt betrayed. So I had various reasons to be jealous, which made it even more difficult for me to accept it. But they are engaged to be married now. And this is where my jealousy ends, because it is ridiculous compared to something that is supposed to never end unless someone dies. And now I see that he did not take my place to begin with, I'd just been sitting there with my luggage, using five seats at the same time.

I wish you all the best, Amanda.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That's a difficult situation. I know some friends have a sort of unspoken rule about dating exboyfriend or girlfriends to avoid tensions, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I sympathize, and admire your maturity about the situation.

Thank you Annika.

[kokopopo.livejournal.com]

Marriage is not an essay or a philosophical treatise, it is more like a river or a wild animal you domesticate with your spouse's help. It is what it is, just as life is what it is. You can't overthink it--and that's coming from somebody who treasures the intellectual life.

On June 1, my wife and I will be married 20 years, which is a big number and hard to believe. We changed over time, so I guess you would say our marriage did, but really it was us. And our lives have been richer for having been married, or at least I think so, because I have no real way of knowing.

I can't imagine either of us saying that one of us is more (or less) important than our children or even our friends. What does that mean? I wouldn't even know how to make that judgment. You don't need to, and shouldn't even try.

By the way, we are celebrating our 20 years with a trip to Italy. And we're taking the kids.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That makes a lot of sense. I suppose deep down, I don't really want to quantify these things because they are so fluid and mutable.

Congratulations on the 20 years! I hope the trip is fabulous.

[kokopopo.livejournal.com]

I was a child groom, by the way.

If you are generous with your love, indulge your passions, and keep a good sense of humor, marriage (and everything else) is a cinch.