running through my head

[threeplusfire]

It's very hard for me to write here about what's happening in my life. Some of it I have, but in very private ways. The details have no place in this public setting. I have the conflicting impulses of wanting to throw it all into the air and feeling very private about the situation. I think because it hits so close to the heart. The thought of divorce is very hard on me, and I'm not really happy about it of course. But I absolutely don't want a situation where people feel the need to take sides or trash talk about the other person involved to one of us. I'm too sad to handle that right now.

So I look at my journal and feel a little dishonest and wonder about my comfort levels. If nothing else this journal convinces me how much I do change over time. All these loves and lives and pieces of me.

I took this Saturday off because I had planned to do something for Alan's birthday. That's not happening now, and it's hard to carry this bereft feeling. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think about checking myself in a motel in a place far away, or driving, or trying to recklessly fill my head with some other activity. Nothing has clicked yet.

I don't know what I'm going to do, about anything really. I'm going day by day. It would be great if I could get past the part where I cry so damn much.

Work has been very hard this week. Not only because of my personal situation, but some of these calls have been rough, rough things. This morning I had someone yell and hang up on me, and I just sat there for a moment in stunned silence. I don't think they realized I was asking so many questions so I could find some way to help them. Now I'm just waiting for the clock to tick over so I can unplug myself and go home.

Comments

[siria.livejournal.com]

(Now, that only made half as much sense to me as it did to you, unfortunately. The thing is, it did kinda make sense for a moment, but then I realized that I really didn't know enough for it to make sense.)

Also, I'd really like to send you something from Lush to cheer you up. Would you give me your address? (I won't stalk you or anything, promise. That is, I would probably stalk you, but I can't afford the plane ticket. :-) )

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

uh-oh I think I sent something to your old address. Hopefully the mail is getting forwarded?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm having the mail forwarded. Should be all good.