running through my head
Jun. 23rd, 2005 06:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
It's very hard for me to write here about what's happening in my life. Some of it I have, but in very private ways. The details have no place in this public setting. I have the conflicting impulses of wanting to throw it all into the air and feeling very private about the situation. I think because it hits so close to the heart. The thought of divorce is very hard on me, and I'm not really happy about it of course. But I absolutely don't want a situation where people feel the need to take sides or trash talk about the other person involved to one of us. I'm too sad to handle that right now.
So I look at my journal and feel a little dishonest and wonder about my comfort levels. If nothing else this journal convinces me how much I do change over time. All these loves and lives and pieces of me.
I took this Saturday off because I had planned to do something for Alan's birthday. That's not happening now, and it's hard to carry this bereft feeling. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think about checking myself in a motel in a place far away, or driving, or trying to recklessly fill my head with some other activity. Nothing has clicked yet.
I don't know what I'm going to do, about anything really. I'm going day by day. It would be great if I could get past the part where I cry so damn much.
Work has been very hard this week. Not only because of my personal situation, but some of these calls have been rough, rough things. This morning I had someone yell and hang up on me, and I just sat there for a moment in stunned silence. I don't think they realized I was asking so many questions so I could find some way to help them. Now I'm just waiting for the clock to tick over so I can unplug myself and go home.
So I look at my journal and feel a little dishonest and wonder about my comfort levels. If nothing else this journal convinces me how much I do change over time. All these loves and lives and pieces of me.
I took this Saturday off because I had planned to do something for Alan's birthday. That's not happening now, and it's hard to carry this bereft feeling. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think about checking myself in a motel in a place far away, or driving, or trying to recklessly fill my head with some other activity. Nothing has clicked yet.
I don't know what I'm going to do, about anything really. I'm going day by day. It would be great if I could get past the part where I cry so damn much.
Work has been very hard this week. Not only because of my personal situation, but some of these calls have been rough, rough things. This morning I had someone yell and hang up on me, and I just sat there for a moment in stunned silence. I don't think they realized I was asking so many questions so I could find some way to help them. Now I'm just waiting for the clock to tick over so I can unplug myself and go home.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-23 11:51 pm (UTC)[hugs]
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 12:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 01:26 pm (UTC)(At least I saved Luci's wand right? I can live without dishes.)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 10:54 pm (UTC)Also, I'd really like to send you something from Lush to cheer you up. Would you give me your address? (I won't stalk you or anything, promise. That is, I would probably stalk you, but I can't afford the plane ticket. :-) )
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-26 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 12:08 am (UTC)I put a package in the mail for you a few days back. Stuff I was given, thought you might enjoy. If not you can recycle them. It's media mail so it will take ~3months I swear.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 12:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 01:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 02:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 01:22 pm (UTC)but in the end, it's just what we have to go through to be alive. Fight the good fight, for Queen and country!
( Besides, shortyl I may be living in Las Vegas. THen you will have a REAL reason to come visit! Woo! )
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 11:40 pm (UTC)Vegas! All you can eat shrimp and showgirls. Sweet.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-27 01:36 pm (UTC)