Going down

When my roommate came home last night, I very calmly and sadly told her of what had happened with the cat, my plant, and the wine. The entire time, I kept my voice low, very steady and I was feeling good that I had managed to do it all without tears or shouting.

The entire time I was speaking, she just stared at me with this blank look. When I finished, she asked bluntly, "What do you want me to do?" When I told her the wine wasn't something she could replace, she gave me a little speech about how she wasn't responsible for the cat's actions, and it was basically my own fault. And oh yeah, sorry. But it was all said so rudely and insincerely.

Perhaps I was wrong to speak so calmly. Perhaps I should have told her how much it meant to me at first. I became upset and started preparing for bed while she got on the phone with a friend.

She told her friend I was screaming at her about the cat, which was unbelievable. So shocked, I confronted her right then. It didn't do any good, as she gave me some lame excuse.

At this point I broke down. Far beyond the breaking point really. I told her she didn't care about anyone but herself and went out onto the balcony.

This is the friend I just recently held as she cried from a broken heart, the one I hurt for, the one I offered to do anything to make her feel better despite the fact that she had already thrown me over for this boy once before. Her total lack of sympathy wounded me. I haven't been this hurt by anything since my boyfriend cheated on me.

Out of my mind, I smashed three glass jars waiting for the recycling bin on the balcony. (I must get that from my mom) Fought the urge to put my hands down into it and see how much I could hold in my fists and how much it would cut. Even swept it up afterwards. Went to tall my other roommate not to walk barefoot out there for a couple days, and ended up smoking the rest of a pack of cigarettes outside.

I'm still trembling a little from last ngiht, still shocked at the way it turned out. It's difficult. I don't want to go to school or work or anything right now. I don't even know if I can make it through the day without crying.

things purchased with my discount today

The Fionavar Tapestry series, by Guy Gavriel Kay
The World of Pies by Karen Stolz
Amerika by Franz Kafka
Lewis Carroll, Photographer, by Helmut Gernsheim
The Sexual Labyrinth of Nikolai Gogol by Simon Karlinsky
The Cat Who Went to Heaven by Elizabeth Coatsworth
The Princess and the Pea Little Golden Book
Throwing Copper, Live, cassette
__________________________________

Made it to school and to work, despite the horrid traffic, idiots and the humidity that reminded me of time lived in Houston. Work was busy and even productive. I created a new display of shiny new cookbooks. I hope someone wants to make soups and cookies and Italian food. It makes me so happy when I see people buying books I've put out there.

Developed a screaming headache towards the end of the day. It's not so bad now. Pressure, tension, mostly. Dreading coming home. Thankfully the house is empty. I can't face Karen just yet. I'm still so shocked and hurt.

If she had just said something, showed some kind of sympathy instead of acting like I was a bitch for bringing it up all. I think I have badly misunderstood this person. *sigh*

Singing along quietly to my new tape. I got it mostly because of it's associations, riding the bus my freshman year of high school, listening to this tape. It's pretty good actually. You can sing along, you can drive to it. That's all that matters right now.

Next week, another doctor's appointment. I hope when I get my new insurance that I can keep my doctor. He's been my doctor for half my life, and even though I don't like him sometimes, I feel safer there. My mom trusts him, so that is something.