this is free for all day

A friend of mine said some things this weekend that were very painful but needed to be said. Perhaps now that it is all out in the open she and I can deal with it.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have friends. So much of me is mutable and shifting. Every year I feel like a different person, and I'm always catching people at different points in the wave. I wonder sometimes if people resent me for the changeable part of my nature, the way I run hot and cold. I am frequently a bad friend, and lately I have been worse than usual.

On that note, if you're waiting for the opportunity to say something, go ahead. I did a lot of my crying last night already.

My cat is overweight. The vet gave me special food and a meal management plan for poor Tsar Slate. I got him a new feather toy to make up for the indignity of being prodded.

(no subject)

I went to Texpresso, and Tyler did not show. Silly me, I forgot my phone and now it is too late to call him to figure out if we had our times and places crossed.

I ran into someone I knew from work, and talked with a stranger for a bit. I think she is a new friend. We laughed about tram inspectors and drinking overseas a lot.

Too late, too much coffee and now I think I need a shower. The past several days have been exhausting in the process of thinking, reshaping my mental landscape and evaluating my life. I feel like such a fuckign bastard in some respects and I'm so angry about some other things. I live with this constant feeling that I'm not measuring up to the expectations of other people. In some ways I really have failed and made some shitty mistakes. I have been a bastard to someone who truly didn't deserve that treatment, and I still don't know how to apologize.

I'm also dealing with some other things, and a lot of anger because I feel like I have to justify some of my choices to everyone and kingdom come.

Alan and I are trying to make our cat lose weight. How sad is that? the cat is trying to trick us into more food. Le sigh.