(no subject)
In my dream, Hugh Laurie and I were blowing things up with hand grenades. What this means I'm not really sure. I would however, like a case of grenades.
2007-01-09
(no subject)
Every time I think the new out of Iraq can't sound any worse, it does.
The weather here continues to be beautiful. I wish I could haul my phone and computer outside to work there on the curb.
I have so many errands I need to run and no idea when I'll get around to them.
The weather here continues to be beautiful. I wish I could haul my phone and computer outside to work there on the curb.
I have so many errands I need to run and no idea when I'll get around to them.
the musical version with dancing hedges
Edward Scissorhands: The Musical
Wow. How sad am I that I am not going to see that in two months? Maybe I'll get super lucky, they'll tour, go to the Bass Concert Hall and I an wear my shiny new evening wear. Mwuhahahah.
Work went all pear shaped this afternoon. I've heard enough murder suicide to last me longer than I would like. I seriously do not understand the Legislature. We're mandated to answer our calls in just a few minutes, but we don't have the funds to pay a decent wage or hire enough staff to meet the volume of intake? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot peoples? I spent my lunch walking around outside in the sunshine, because it was happier.
Speaking of happiness, I have been thinking about it lately. Someone said something to me recently, and while I frequently brush off optimistic predictions with a certain disdain perhaps it is not so bad. I have made a conscious choice to accept my losses, and to know that I can move on from them. I've started thinking harder about what I'm willing to live with, the things I'm willing to accept in my life. I've started thinking about my expectations, which of course are grim even for me. Maybe they don't have to be, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I'm trying harder to be at peace with myself, to not rail so hard against the inevitable. That's extraordinarily difficult, you know. I loathe the inevitable. It makes me angry just on principle, inevitability. I think for awhile I need to live more in the here and now, to learn to just handle with what the daily world gives me. I've always been the sort of person to obsess and plan for the future. While that is good for my bank balance, it is not always so good for my head. I'm always three steps down the road ahead and hardly touching where I am right now.
So I'm trying to spend a part of every day just enjoying the day for what it is. I started Sunday by sitting outside and watching ducks in the sunshine. Yesterday I drove up and down 360, and stopped at the scenic overlook where you can see the downtown skyline between the hills. Today I'm going to take a long shower before bed and fold myself up in my new blanket with a book.
This year I'm going to be twenty seven, age of rock stars. I marvel at it. My superstitious anniversary is coming up at the end of the week. It will be ten years this year. That's sort of shocking. Ten years of life I might not have otherwise had. It makes me think very hard about what I've done with all that time.
(I confess I feel like I should be embarassed by writing this entry, and I'm trying hard not to be.)
Wow. How sad am I that I am not going to see that in two months? Maybe I'll get super lucky, they'll tour, go to the Bass Concert Hall and I an wear my shiny new evening wear. Mwuhahahah.
Work went all pear shaped this afternoon. I've heard enough murder suicide to last me longer than I would like. I seriously do not understand the Legislature. We're mandated to answer our calls in just a few minutes, but we don't have the funds to pay a decent wage or hire enough staff to meet the volume of intake? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot peoples? I spent my lunch walking around outside in the sunshine, because it was happier.
Speaking of happiness, I have been thinking about it lately. Someone said something to me recently, and while I frequently brush off optimistic predictions with a certain disdain perhaps it is not so bad. I have made a conscious choice to accept my losses, and to know that I can move on from them. I've started thinking harder about what I'm willing to live with, the things I'm willing to accept in my life. I've started thinking about my expectations, which of course are grim even for me. Maybe they don't have to be, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I'm trying harder to be at peace with myself, to not rail so hard against the inevitable. That's extraordinarily difficult, you know. I loathe the inevitable. It makes me angry just on principle, inevitability. I think for awhile I need to live more in the here and now, to learn to just handle with what the daily world gives me. I've always been the sort of person to obsess and plan for the future. While that is good for my bank balance, it is not always so good for my head. I'm always three steps down the road ahead and hardly touching where I am right now.
So I'm trying to spend a part of every day just enjoying the day for what it is. I started Sunday by sitting outside and watching ducks in the sunshine. Yesterday I drove up and down 360, and stopped at the scenic overlook where you can see the downtown skyline between the hills. Today I'm going to take a long shower before bed and fold myself up in my new blanket with a book.
This year I'm going to be twenty seven, age of rock stars. I marvel at it. My superstitious anniversary is coming up at the end of the week. It will be ten years this year. That's sort of shocking. Ten years of life I might not have otherwise had. It makes me think very hard about what I've done with all that time.
(I confess I feel like I should be embarassed by writing this entry, and I'm trying hard not to be.)
the strange things that shame us
I'm disabling comments on this for a multitude of reasons. Mostly because I know many of you would probably want to congratulate me and I really don't think I could bear it with any grace whatsoever. Plus, you also can't make fun of me for my pretentious ways.
In late November/early December while I had my health scare and eight million blood tests, I quit smoking. I had already cut back pretty heavily and soon it was only three or four a day. Some of the medication I was prescribed during my health fiasco completely killed any desire for it. My doctor really laid into me about it, and the disapproval of my normally serene and handsome doctor was a blow. I stopped almost entirely in early December, with only a few to help me deal with disasters. My last ones were at Sarah's birthday party. that is really all the explanation I feel compelled to provide.
I've been too ashamed to actually say it publicly and I've avoided mentioning it on LJ. I love to smoke. I love to have a cigarette in my hand and wave it around while I'm talking. I love the camraderie of smokers. Smoking helped me learn to talk to people and deal with strangers. Smoking has helped me cope with some of the most awful moments of the past nine years. Smoking for me is an intense visceral pleasure, best accompanied by a cup of coffee or a cocktail. I feel like I've abandoned my people, forsaken my tribe. You may believe I am overly melodramatic on this score but I don't care.
There's nothing more annoying than a self righteous ex-smoker. I don't think I'll ever be one of those but I feel as if my smoking friends may view me with a certain frostiness. I still go outside to the smoking area at work but I'm an outsider now. I'm terribly sad. The upside is that the new tax has made it horribly expensive and I'm saving some money. (Well I guess the whole "healthy" thing is an upside but bah.)
I imagine from time to time I will still have one. I enjoy them too much to abandon the pleasure entirely. But it won't ever be quite the same. We're all dying anyway.
In late November/early December while I had my health scare and eight million blood tests, I quit smoking. I had already cut back pretty heavily and soon it was only three or four a day. Some of the medication I was prescribed during my health fiasco completely killed any desire for it. My doctor really laid into me about it, and the disapproval of my normally serene and handsome doctor was a blow. I stopped almost entirely in early December, with only a few to help me deal with disasters. My last ones were at Sarah's birthday party. that is really all the explanation I feel compelled to provide.
I've been too ashamed to actually say it publicly and I've avoided mentioning it on LJ. I love to smoke. I love to have a cigarette in my hand and wave it around while I'm talking. I love the camraderie of smokers. Smoking helped me learn to talk to people and deal with strangers. Smoking has helped me cope with some of the most awful moments of the past nine years. Smoking for me is an intense visceral pleasure, best accompanied by a cup of coffee or a cocktail. I feel like I've abandoned my people, forsaken my tribe. You may believe I am overly melodramatic on this score but I don't care.
There's nothing more annoying than a self righteous ex-smoker. I don't think I'll ever be one of those but I feel as if my smoking friends may view me with a certain frostiness. I still go outside to the smoking area at work but I'm an outsider now. I'm terribly sad. The upside is that the new tax has made it horribly expensive and I'm saving some money. (Well I guess the whole "healthy" thing is an upside but bah.)
I imagine from time to time I will still have one. I enjoy them too much to abandon the pleasure entirely. But it won't ever be quite the same. We're all dying anyway.
dear hugh Laurie I love you
Well, I was going to run Sunken Temple tonight for like only the first time ever. But stupid Blizzard, new patch and the most annoying pain in the ass download peer to peer nonsense ever has denied me. Bastards! Tyler and I looked at each other and said screw this let's get ice cream. Amy's had chocolate italian cream cake tonight, and it was even better with marshmallows in it. Mmm ice cream.