running through my head

[threeplusfire]

It's very hard for me to write here about what's happening in my life. Some of it I have, but in very private ways. The details have no place in this public setting. I have the conflicting impulses of wanting to throw it all into the air and feeling very private about the situation. I think because it hits so close to the heart. The thought of divorce is very hard on me, and I'm not really happy about it of course. But I absolutely don't want a situation where people feel the need to take sides or trash talk about the other person involved to one of us. I'm too sad to handle that right now.

So I look at my journal and feel a little dishonest and wonder about my comfort levels. If nothing else this journal convinces me how much I do change over time. All these loves and lives and pieces of me.

I took this Saturday off because I had planned to do something for Alan's birthday. That's not happening now, and it's hard to carry this bereft feeling. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think about checking myself in a motel in a place far away, or driving, or trying to recklessly fill my head with some other activity. Nothing has clicked yet.

I don't know what I'm going to do, about anything really. I'm going day by day. It would be great if I could get past the part where I cry so damn much.

Work has been very hard this week. Not only because of my personal situation, but some of these calls have been rough, rough things. This morning I had someone yell and hang up on me, and I just sat there for a moment in stunned silence. I don't think they realized I was asking so many questions so I could find some way to help them. Now I'm just waiting for the clock to tick over so I can unplug myself and go home.

Comments

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. one day I do have to see what you did with that big old house. :)

[rawumber.livejournal.com]

[hugs]

[siria.livejournal.com]

I hope you'll feel a little better soon. And then a lot better. And then, at some point, I hope you'll feel fine again.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I hope to follow exactly that plan. It's a good idea. Thank you.
(At least I saved Luci's wand right? I can live without dishes.)

[siria.livejournal.com]

(Now, that only made half as much sense to me as it did to you, unfortunately. The thing is, it did kinda make sense for a moment, but then I realized that I really didn't know enough for it to make sense.)

Also, I'd really like to send you something from Lush to cheer you up. Would you give me your address? (I won't stalk you or anything, promise. That is, I would probably stalk you, but I can't afford the plane ticket. :-) )

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

uh-oh I think I sent something to your old address. Hopefully the mail is getting forwarded?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm having the mail forwarded. Should be all good.

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

You are always welcome to come and visit. I'm a fun tourguide I've been led to believe. And I can navigate mass transit down to Palo Alto to see your friend.

I put a package in the mail for you a few days back. Stuff I was given, thought you might enjoy. If not you can recycle them. It's media mail so it will take ~3months I swear.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you Daina. I will keep that in mind. I have never seen this imaginary state called California. I'm not sure it is real, it sounds so strange. ;)

[melanie.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry that you're going through this. what else to say, really?

[kokopopo.livejournal.com]

I am very sorry to hear this -- but I sensed something, more from what you did not say than what you did in recent months. I hope things look up for you soon. You are a special person and you will get through it. My heart goes out to you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you, very kindly.

[frostwalrus.livejournal.com]

You know we are there for you

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Maybe we can have a tasty beverage this weekend.

[frostwalrus.livejournal.com]

Excellent you know I am always ready for a tasty beverage.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

I would say coem out here and enjoy the native splendor that is this place, but I would be lying because it's a shitpit. On the other hand I could say hey I'll drive out there and you can show me the wonders of a real city, with real food, and so on ... :)

but in the end, it's just what we have to go through to be alive. Fight the good fight, for Queen and country!

( Besides, shortyl I may be living in Las Vegas. THen you will have a REAL reason to come visit! Woo! )

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you, good sir. The crown acknowledges your steadfast loyalty and as a token of appreciation we grant you the estates of Bombay Sapphire. ;)

Vegas! All you can eat shrimp and showgirls. Sweet.

[schmidtybooger.livejournal.com]

Oh dear one. My thoughts are with you and Alan during this difficult time. Take care of yourself, hon. *HUG*