running through my head

[threeplusfire]

It's very hard for me to write here about what's happening in my life. Some of it I have, but in very private ways. The details have no place in this public setting. I have the conflicting impulses of wanting to throw it all into the air and feeling very private about the situation. I think because it hits so close to the heart. The thought of divorce is very hard on me, and I'm not really happy about it of course. But I absolutely don't want a situation where people feel the need to take sides or trash talk about the other person involved to one of us. I'm too sad to handle that right now.

So I look at my journal and feel a little dishonest and wonder about my comfort levels. If nothing else this journal convinces me how much I do change over time. All these loves and lives and pieces of me.

I took this Saturday off because I had planned to do something for Alan's birthday. That's not happening now, and it's hard to carry this bereft feeling. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think about checking myself in a motel in a place far away, or driving, or trying to recklessly fill my head with some other activity. Nothing has clicked yet.

I don't know what I'm going to do, about anything really. I'm going day by day. It would be great if I could get past the part where I cry so damn much.

Work has been very hard this week. Not only because of my personal situation, but some of these calls have been rough, rough things. This morning I had someone yell and hang up on me, and I just sat there for a moment in stunned silence. I don't think they realized I was asking so many questions so I could find some way to help them. Now I'm just waiting for the clock to tick over so I can unplug myself and go home.

Comments

[rawumber.livejournal.com]

[hugs]

[siria.livejournal.com]

I hope you'll feel a little better soon. And then a lot better. And then, at some point, I hope you'll feel fine again.

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

You are always welcome to come and visit. I'm a fun tourguide I've been led to believe. And I can navigate mass transit down to Palo Alto to see your friend.

I put a package in the mail for you a few days back. Stuff I was given, thought you might enjoy. If not you can recycle them. It's media mail so it will take ~3months I swear.

[melanie.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry that you're going through this. what else to say, really?

[kokopopo.livejournal.com]

I am very sorry to hear this -- but I sensed something, more from what you did not say than what you did in recent months. I hope things look up for you soon. You are a special person and you will get through it. My heart goes out to you.

[frostwalrus.livejournal.com]

You know we are there for you

[delchi.livejournal.com]

I would say coem out here and enjoy the native splendor that is this place, but I would be lying because it's a shitpit. On the other hand I could say hey I'll drive out there and you can show me the wonders of a real city, with real food, and so on ... :)

but in the end, it's just what we have to go through to be alive. Fight the good fight, for Queen and country!

( Besides, shortyl I may be living in Las Vegas. THen you will have a REAL reason to come visit! Woo! )

[schmidtybooger.livejournal.com]

Oh dear one. My thoughts are with you and Alan during this difficult time. Take care of yourself, hon. *HUG*