Some days, I feel really, really old.

[threeplusfire]

Today I broke up with my therapist. That sounds so dramatic. It was very amicable and easy and something I've thought about for months. I just don't want to be in therapy right now. It feels too much like judgment and even though I know that is not what it is meant to be, it hurts. Sometimes thinking about the mess my complicated gender/body situation puts me in makes me angry.

I sort of thought I might go looking for mountain laurel bushes at a garden center, maybe swing by the Asian market. I feel a bit guilty about how much time I've dumped into DA2 recently. (Though I have been getting some chores done around the house! Sort of.. dinner cooking has definitely slacked. Tonight I swear I'm making something.)

I feel like I should play a bunch today however. Because I need to write some sappy, sweet fic about happy endings because in game those happy endings aren't truly possible. Also because life is full of difficult, awful moments. A friend of mine is in the hospital right now, and I should really write this fic so she has something to make her laugh because the alternative is being scared and sad.

Probably I should go and buy a rack of saints candles, because that is my superstitious ritual when things are hard. I burn them when things are hard.

Comments

[xiuzan.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you may not want to find another therapist right now, but if you are interested in something that might be a better fit, I have a friend who's a therapist with a lot of experience (personal and professional) with gender-related topics. She also leads a donation-based support group for FTM clients, if that might be of more interest to you than traditional one-on-one therapy.

Anyway, here's her url and bio:

http://www.katykoonce.com/

Katy Koonce, LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 12 years of professional experience. She believes that a lively, genuine therapeutic relationship can be a means to healing and self-discovery. Katy offers individual, couples, and group psychotherapy for a diverse clientele, including artists and other folks on the fringe. In 1998, she founded the first therapist-led transgender support group in Central Texas. She currently leads a monthly donation-based support group for FTM spectrum clients, as well as a psychotherapy group for all genders. She has given presentations and workshops for organizations such as the Austin Group Psychotherapy Society, the Austin State Hospital, Wright House, Arizona State University, Gender Odyssey, and the UT School of Social Work. She is a member of the National Association of Social Workers, the American Group Psychotherapy Association, the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, and the International Foundation for Gender Education. She is a licensed clinical supervisor.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can find some peace of mind and don't continue to feel so judged. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but there are plenty of us who support you, regardless of how complicated your gender/body situation is. Hang in there! <3

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

How small the city is - I've been thinking I should go to that group instead. :)

[xiuzan.livejournal.com]

Ha.. well, cool. :)

Hope you can find the support you need... sans judgment, so you can just be you and be comfortable in all that you are.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

*squash*

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Squish, like fuzzy Totoro!

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

I have tons of mountain laurels here...some smaller ones that would probably be pretty easy to dig up. I'd love to give you one! I'll check and see when the best time to transplant one might be for you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh that would be SO FANTASTIC. We finally got rid of the annoying plant so there's an empty square. I love the mountain laurels.

[halfacork.livejournal.com]

I demand kittens!

But in all seriousness, thank you. Today has been grueling. They keep asking how I feel but I don't even have the vocabulary to say. Wrong, I feel wrong.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

There will be kittens! I have to read up on the Anderfels now.

[halfacork.livejournal.com]

Squee! Are we going to find out Anders real name and omg, phone don't die on me now. Why are you being weird.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

YOU WILL TOTALLY LEARN NEW AND WONDERFUL FACTS ABOUT ANDERS!

Dude, if they really won't let you do anything, they need to set up your video game console in there.

[halfacork.livejournal.com]

Dave brought the laptop but there are two issues: where to plug it in and where to set it up. I'm limited even in how I sit in my prison of a bed. Dave has mentioned getting me the iPad but we have to pay for weeks of me in the hospital followed by possibly months of James staying after I get out.

We can't afford that, but then again we can't afford it without an iPad either

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I really, really understand where you're at with therapy right now. I had an amazing therapist for two years, and it would take an equally amazing therapist for me to get back into therapy. (I admit, I sometimes think about moving back to St. Louis, and the possibility of being able to see her again is largely why.) Sometimes you're not in a place to do the work, sometimes it's not the right person, sometimes it's both.

My therapist in Chicago kept trying to get me to talk about Jason and I was just like, lol, what even, no.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It is so hard. It's like dating but weirder, or trying to find a job or some horrible combination of lots of things.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

[insert hug offer here.]

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. (I will make sure I'm not covered in cat hair first!)

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

It's probably okay over the Internet!