scary advertising and talk of vaginas

[threeplusfire]

The Chronicle has an ad just across from the table of contents this week from The Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of San Antonio. Um, whiskey tango foxtrot? The mere idea of a laser anywhere near my vagina gives me hives. The ad text reads, arranged over a nude female form and a row of smiling female faces:

New Comestic Procedures
Ladies! Experience how good life can be!
Our Board certified OB GYN, Troy Robbins Hailporn M.D., can completely resculpt and rejuvenate the vagina with a 1-hour laser procedure. These new GYN procedures help: tighten the vagina after childbirth, improve stress urinary incontinence, enhance sexual gratification. She also performs: labia reduction for large/uneven labia minora, reconstruction of the hymen

www.cosmeticgyn.net

Wha?!?!?!? The whole thing sounds hideous and very, very, very painful. The site has some graphic little diagrams, so you probably shouldn't peruse it at work. I am so very disturbed. Why the hell would you want your hymen back, unless you're playing sme shell game where you sell yourself for a lot of money as a prize virgin whore? Who the hell cares about the labia being symmetrical?

The grotesque desire for extreme plastic surgery to achieve some artificial and unnatural standard of beauty suddenly seems a whole lot more ugly now. The first person who tries to put a laser or a scalpel anywhere near my damned labia is getting a bullet in the eye.

Comments

[genetic.livejournal.com]

Man, the doctor's name is HailPorn, what do you expect?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That is a very apt name I suppose. Once again, what the hell?

[meallanmouse.livejournal.com]

Reconstruction of the hymen I knew about (my father's an ObGyn) but... the rest of the above and what's on that website kinda leaves me flabbergasted.

Pun unintended. ;)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Heheh. Now, why in the world would one get the hymen reconstructed? I'm dying to know!

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

Young women from cultures especially hipped on female virginity--as in, you could be ostracized or worse if you're not found to have a "properly" intact hymen--sometimes resort to this.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Ahhhhh, now that is very interesting.

[meallanmouse.livejournal.com]

If I remember right, in his case it was a patient going back to a country which required the women to be virgins for marriage ~ with stuff like stoning (inasmuch as I recall) in wait for her if she wasn't upon her return.

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

I remember, as a little girl, sneak-reading my mother's copy of The Hite Report and being utterly horrified at the woman who confessed that she found her inner labia so "long and ugly" that she once nearly snipped them off herself with a pair of kitchen shears. Clearly, Dr. Hailporn read that passage as well and had a light bulb go off over his head.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh my lord. That is a really scary thought. I won't be able to watch the next time Alan is using the kitchen shears.

[jonqui.livejournal.com]

WTF!! How disgusting!
*hides head in shame* What the hell is our society becoming?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I don't know, but I want to write Fox and act if they performed vagianl rejuvenations on all the contestants for the Swan.

[lawnrrd]

Note to self: no knife play with Amanda.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

No kidding. I'm willing to gamble a large sum of money on the knowledge I would rip a hole in anyone who thought that was a good idea.

I had a lover many years ago who threatened me with a knife, and it still makes me tweaky.

[a311renegade.livejournal.com]

Vaginas frighten me :-P

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! No vaginas for you then. I'm afraid you will have to make do with the boys. :P

[delchi.livejournal.com]

unless you're playing sme shell game where you sell yourself for a lot of money as a prize virgin whore?

that happens every day here. The only thing more shocking than that is the line of guys waiting to play.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yes, but to really pull it off you would apparently need this fancy surgery. :P

[delchi.livejournal.com]

I'll give it a try :)

vagina dentata?

[feu-de-fripe.livejournal.com]

all i have to say about looseness after childbirth is KEGELS ever heard of them? they strengthen your pelvic floor and make it easier to push out the baby AND keep you from suffering incontinence.

Re: vagina dentata?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

But Americans don't like to exercise! ;)

I was thinking that too.

Re: vagina dentata?

[feu-de-fripe.livejournal.com]

i can't believe people are this lazy. you know what though? my doctor told me not to do kegel excersises. he said that looseness was good when the baby is coming out. i disregarded his advice. i figure strong muscles work better. and they did!

enough about my vagina's super human strenght (hee hee) when i was reading your post i kept thinking of keith's class and vagina dentata.

the link didn't work for me though
i wanted really badly to click on it
can you send me a different one?

Re: vagina dentata?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

You didn't really have any trouble with delivery did you? It seems counterintutive to tell someone not to exercise those muscles.

Try this link Maybe I crashed their site with unintended traffic eh?

Hahah, poor Keith. That was an insane class.

Re: vagina dentata?

[feu-de-fripe.livejournal.com]

reply
my labor was quite easy, the pushing only took ten minutes while normally it takes 30 mminutes to an hour
i have strong muscles
no problem
it was counterintuitive that is why i didn't do it, and that was for the best i think
i feel sorry for his stupid patients. i guess they just end up getting drugs

Re: vagina dentata?

[feu-de-fripe.livejournal.com]

i think you did crash their site because that link doesn't work either hee hee

ah well, i guess it is not that important

Re: vagina dentata?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Try googling the doctor's name or the name of the clinic in the entry. That should pull it up.

Re: vagina dentata?

[feu-de-fripe.livejournal.com]

hee hee
googling

Re: vagina dentata?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It's my favorite new verb!

[multifoiled.livejournal.com]

That's just wrong. And the fact his name is 'Hailporn' is so, so, so classic.

[multifoiled.livejournal.com]

Oh, apparently it's Hailparn. Close enough. :)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I know! The name needed no commentary, it was so glaringly weird!

[dragonflychey.livejournal.com]

sweet jesus.

Do you mind if I pass a link to this entry on to someone I know?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh go right ahead. The more the merrier, right? The internet is around to disturb us all at least once a day.

[dragonflychey.livejournal.com]

For some reason I can't get the www.cosmeticgyn.net link to work. Is anyone else having that problem?

[antonstrout.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't wait for the new laser penis so I can use mine like a light saber!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahahahah! Perfect.